And then I ended it...

Yep, the friends with "benefits" relationship I was briefly in is now over. I put the word -- benefits -- in quotations because honestly, I'm not sure if benefits is the right word. I mean, what benefits do we gain from something like this besides the obvious answer; exhilarating sex? For me, the benefits I USED TO get were the following: heart racing pleasure, great nights sleep, exercise, and then finally, just plain fun. These benefits were plentiful for a few months, but now it's time to move on. You see, I was all for the whole "get yours, have fun, no attachment" thing because I was in a long relationship that completely fucked me up in the head and I decided for the sake of my heart that I didn't want to get into anything serious with anyone for at least a couple years. Well, I got over that.. I'm almost 21 years old. I look at how fast high school and the first couple years of college went, and I realize that time isn't going to slow down for me since I'm getting older. Before I know it, I'll be 26 years old. And nowhere near being in any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I don't want to be that girl. I'm starting to see that maybe steering away from the commitment zone and keeping myself entrapped in the strictly sex zone, might not be the best decision making I've done in a while. I think I'm ready to put away my big girl slut pants and get back into the ring of steady dating and relationships. Actual relationships. The kind that you work for and reap the benefits long after it's all begun. Not just for a few months. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about ending things with my ex-fuck friend. I mean, I had so much fun with him. And I don't know where else I'm gonna get it living in this small ass hometown of mine for the summer. Where do I meet new people? I don't know how to do any of this. In high school it was all so easy because you didn't have to actually go out and look for guys. You had your pick right in front of you and from surrounding schools. Now, you have to go to different parties and actually put in the effort to even get a conversation going, not to mention getting the conversation to last. I think I'm actually going to miss this boy. We'll still be friends, at least. We were friends in high school and were pretty good friends when all of this started. It's just hard when one person starts to get strong feelings, which in this case, like most, is me. It was all so easy a few months ago for me to fuck 'em and leave 'em, but now I'm starting to miss all the things I did when I was in a relationship that I can't do when I'm single. I miss the cutesy texts and the cuddling all night. Can't do that with someone whose main goal is to get off and send you packin'. I can't blame him though. We both got into this fully aware that it was strictly platonic and nothing serious would come from it. Sometimes it's just so hard to convince my heart of that. So, here we go again. I feel a little sad about it all because when I ended it tonight, it was just that easy for him to be alright with it and agree. Guess the feelings weren't reciprocated. Which I understand and I'll get over within a weeks time. Hopefully. :)

Sometimes I don't even believe the things I think of after I smoke a bowl. Today was just one of those days that I had to sit back and take load off. After being so stressed out about every little thing lately, I'm just feeling so run down and emotionally and physically drained. I feel drained of everything. The minute I have some time to myself, I just feel so exhausted and stressed and just down. So today, feeling like summer already, I turned on some throwback R&B and just left everything else behind. I shut off my phone, sat outside on my balcony, stared into the mountains, and lit up a bowl. Let me tell you something, even though the title of this blog is "Memoirs of a Party Slut," I am by no means a pot head (or a slut). I just chose that name because I party. A lot. And I love it and people get the idea that because I party a lot, I'm a slut. So really I chose that name because I think it's funny and I couldn't think of anything else. But anyways, I rarely ever smoke the green. I stick to alcohol. A beer when I'm feeling good, feeling great, ready to have a nice, laid back drunk; liquor when I'm ready to say "fuck you" to the world and get on with my life; but rarely do I EVER smoke some weed. I admit that back at the beginning years of high school, I used to smoke all the time. I loved it. I did it for reasons that most people won't ever understand and I did it for no reason at all. I definitely wasn't the person that I am now. I never gave a fuck. I did anything that would give me a thrill, not worrying about a damn thing. Now, I fear my consequences. I think a lot more before I do anything. Back then, smoking was something I did because it matched my "I don't give a fuck" attitude. Now, it's something I do when facing my problems head on just isn't working. It's something I use as an escape for a while. I'm not trying to be that person that's always like, "Oh my gawd, I just neeeeed to smoke a J so I can think straight and get my mind right. It's the ooonly thing I can do to make life better." No, I'm not that person at all. Yes, it gives me an escape, but a TEMPORARY escape. I don't resort to it unless I really need to chill the fuck out (sorry for F bombing you so much). So let me get to the real reason I'm writing this blog right now. . .

It's easy for my mind to wander. Even in a sober, more aware, state of mind. When I'm high, man, does this mind of mine wander. I find myself getting into deep thought about something I always think about normally, then I forget what I'm thinking, then I sit and think about how I aaaalways get this way when I smoke, then I think of something new, and the process just cycles. I was just sitting here, with the sun beating down on my face, listening to some old songs, remember how I felt when I used to listen to these songs. Most of them reminded me of an old boyfriend. Wow, shocker. What doesn't make me think of an old boyfriend? I don't try to be the person who dwells on past events, but damn, I still feel fucked up, even after a year. Some things just make the memory fresh. It's not something I can just fix about myself right now, but hey, I'll get it handled when it gets bad; which I don't think it ever will because the memory is already starting to fade more and more, and sometimes the memories are confused with someone else, which is really nice because then it's like I have the great memory, but the role is played with someone else. Here I am again, mind wandering. I'll get to the REAL point of this right now. . .

I daydream. Who doesn't? I was sitting here, on my balcony, in the sun, listening to music, DAYDREAMING. (I know you've heard the rest before, but I just had to start my story the right way.) For some reason, I started thinking about how I would answer the question, "Why do you like being single?" I think it's because I was thinking of me being single and how much I really love it? I'm not sure, but the thought was there. I started answering the question in my head and I think I make some pretty valid points in this. I don't know if they're things I'm trying to convince everyone else who thinks it's crazy exactly what level of single I am and how much I don't want it to change any time soon, or if I'm trying to convince myself that such things are true. Either way, I'm going to share with you.

Points:

• I know everyone says this, but I actually mean it, I love my freedom. 
• I'm the kind of person who has to leave. I was born for leaving. I have never stayed in one place for long, always moving. I think it's just something that's stuck with me and I don't see myself wanting anything different. Without having to be fully committed to one person and the place they're in, I don't have to worry about where I'm gonna be. I can go wherever I want, see whoever I want, and not feel obligated to go back for anyone. As selfish as that seems.
• I don't have to listen to the nonsense of rumors and drama. Yeah, I know it's all a matter of whether you choose to listen and believe it or not. Choosing not to listen is great. I'm that kind of person. But not listening doesn't change the fact that you heard it. Even if you don't believe that your boyfriend would be cheating on you, it still hurts any time you hear that he is. It's like a sting to your ears. It's not something you can keep from happening. Once those words are said, being a person who just doesn't listen to gossip, it still shocks you to the bone. 
• I realize the things I want in life. Not the things that someone else wants. I'm a giving person. If I'm dating someone and I love them, I am the first one willing to do whatever it takes to make their dreams come true. I was never single for more than 3 months since I was 15, until now. Well, except for all that time that being single and dating were things that didn't exist to me. And let's make this clear too, I've only had 2 boyfriends. Two boyfriends who took up about 5 years of my life. Now after having an entire year and 3 months to myself, I clearly see who I am and what I want. That's something I can't see myself losing. 

Anyways, I've lost my train of thought again. But those are the top 4 reasons why being single is just fucking awesome. I know I should probably wrap this up in a witty and meaningful way, but I'm hungry, I'm getting side tracked by the television, and I'm just not as insightful as I was about 20 minutes ago. Maybe I'll be in the mind set to give this another shot later.