A totally different feeling than I thought it would be.

This is night 1 of not being in a fuck friendship with a guy I was borderline falling for. I must say, I thought that it would feel different. I think I've mentioned before that I am a person who has a hard time getting over things. I thought for sure that I would be waiting, hoping, wishing he would call or text and ask to hang out. Ya know, be all like, "I know you said this has to be over, but I really wanna see you." Well, a girl can dream can't she? I'll go into little detail about this boy, We went to middle and high school together. He was always one of the most popular guys in school. Hanging out with high schoolers when he was in middle school, and they, of course, were the popular high schoolers. It's not like he was one of those weird middle school kids into dragon and wizard video games who hung out with people three grades higher than him who hung out with only younger kids because they were just that socially challenged in high school that it was hard for them to associate with anyone on a more mature level than 8th grade. No, he was way mature for his age. I'm not saying his behavior was a good thing, but it definitely made him someone who all the girls wanted. In high school, he had a girlfriend who, wouldn't you know, was one of the most popular girls in middle and high school. She was in the same grade as him and everything, and had all the same popular, older friends he had. Just like him, she was (is) very attractive and had people tripping over themselves to talk to her. The only difference was that all through high school she was a virgin and did not partake in any illegal activity such as drugs or underage drinking. And it worked for them. Of course, when they weren't together, he was a huge man whore. Anyways, the boy I've been seeing is, for all the obvious reasons, someone I can't resist. In high school, I hung out with all the same people he hung out with, so I mean, I wasn't a huge loser or anything in school, but I just wasn't noticed by him. Once I moved away for college and got over pretty much everyone and everything in my small hometown, he started to notice. He's got that bad boy attitude about him and it's hard for me to say no to anything when it comes to him. He's sexy, popular, loves to party just as much as I do, can sweet talk anyone, and overall, great in bed. I had a lot of fun with him, but when I started to notice these feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time creep up on me, I had to end it, which I obviously did last night. You see,  we'd hook up once every few months when we'd both be back in our hometown. It'd be a one night thing, one or both of us would be completely drunk, and then we'd go on about our regular lives as if it never happened. And that was totally fine. That's how I liked it and, in fact, how I wanted it. I was okay with having sex with him and then not talking to him for months until it came time for our routine hook-up. But then I moved home for the summer, and things changed. We saw each other for the first 3 nights I was home, and talked all the time in between. He ended up going out of state for a week and the entire time he was gone, I couldn't stop thinking about him. That was the first sign I knew I was gonna be getting in deep. After I ended things last night, I stayed up for a while thinking that it was gonna be hard for me to not talk to him or go see him and that I'd give in right away. I figured I'd text him today or tonight and tell him that I wanted to have one last go around before it was officially over, but I didn't. I didn't have the urge to. I thought I'd sit around waiting for his text or that I'd get that nervous feeling in my stomach ever time I'd get a text message, wishing it was him, but nope, that feeling wasn't there either. I actually feel great and less anxious. I know the kind of guy he is, and I know that he won't text me asking to still hang out all the time. I guess I wasn't in as deep as I thought I was because this is so much easier than I thought it'd be. Does this mean I'm actually growing up and learning the rules of being in my twenty-somethings? ;)

And then I ended it...

Yep, the friends with "benefits" relationship I was briefly in is now over. I put the word -- benefits -- in quotations because honestly, I'm not sure if benefits is the right word. I mean, what benefits do we gain from something like this besides the obvious answer; exhilarating sex? For me, the benefits I USED TO get were the following: heart racing pleasure, great nights sleep, exercise, and then finally, just plain fun. These benefits were plentiful for a few months, but now it's time to move on. You see, I was all for the whole "get yours, have fun, no attachment" thing because I was in a long relationship that completely fucked me up in the head and I decided for the sake of my heart that I didn't want to get into anything serious with anyone for at least a couple years. Well, I got over that.. I'm almost 21 years old. I look at how fast high school and the first couple years of college went, and I realize that time isn't going to slow down for me since I'm getting older. Before I know it, I'll be 26 years old. And nowhere near being in any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I don't want to be that girl. I'm starting to see that maybe steering away from the commitment zone and keeping myself entrapped in the strictly sex zone, might not be the best decision making I've done in a while. I think I'm ready to put away my big girl slut pants and get back into the ring of steady dating and relationships. Actual relationships. The kind that you work for and reap the benefits long after it's all begun. Not just for a few months. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about ending things with my ex-fuck friend. I mean, I had so much fun with him. And I don't know where else I'm gonna get it living in this small ass hometown of mine for the summer. Where do I meet new people? I don't know how to do any of this. In high school it was all so easy because you didn't have to actually go out and look for guys. You had your pick right in front of you and from surrounding schools. Now, you have to go to different parties and actually put in the effort to even get a conversation going, not to mention getting the conversation to last. I think I'm actually going to miss this boy. We'll still be friends, at least. We were friends in high school and were pretty good friends when all of this started. It's just hard when one person starts to get strong feelings, which in this case, like most, is me. It was all so easy a few months ago for me to fuck 'em and leave 'em, but now I'm starting to miss all the things I did when I was in a relationship that I can't do when I'm single. I miss the cutesy texts and the cuddling all night. Can't do that with someone whose main goal is to get off and send you packin'. I can't blame him though. We both got into this fully aware that it was strictly platonic and nothing serious would come from it. Sometimes it's just so hard to convince my heart of that. So, here we go again. I feel a little sad about it all because when I ended it tonight, it was just that easy for him to be alright with it and agree. Guess the feelings weren't reciprocated. Which I understand and I'll get over within a weeks time. Hopefully. :)

Friends with benefits...?

I think that's what this is. I'm not quite sure yet. I guess that's what you'd call this situation because, I mean, this guy IS one of my friends and we do fuck. But I'm just wondering what the boundaries and terms of these kinds of things are. I admit, I've had one of these before and it went completely haywire, but I think that's only because of the age I was and because I was a virgin when it all began. Needless to say, I got way too attached and things just went to shit. Now I can't even be in the same room as this guy. But this time's different, I think...I hope. I was in a relationship for 2 years after my first, 3 year long, fuck friendship ended. And now that I've been through that whole, "I love you, I'll always love you, oh, now I hate you" shpeel, I'm completely over it and friends with benefits is honestly the only thing I want or can handle right now. I'm just afraid that maybe I'll start getting in too deep again. I've done pretty good with it for the past year, but lately, it's starting to feel different. I just don't know what to do. I went from being able to have sex with the dude one night, not text him or talk to/see him for months afterward, to having sex with him one night, seeing him again the next, and again, talk to him everyday for random things (buying beer, helping me untangle a fishing reel, etc.). And I think I'm starting to feel something. I haven't truly "felt" for anyone or anything in almost a year and a half. I talk to guys, think they're cool shit for a while, and then get completely annoyed and exhausted with the idea of talking to them any further. Sometimes it's a different situation, but has the same outcome. I talk to the dude for a while, enjoy it for a while, fuck him, leave him, and get annoyed with the idea that I even wasted my time. I'd reeeally love some input on this because I'm afraid that I'm returning to that same freshman girl who got attached too easily and quickly and then ended up completely fucked up over it. And this time, I know it'll turn out just the same as it did with the first guy, considering this is one of his best friends and they're pretty much exactly alike.

Any advice?

Are there guidelines to these kind of things?!

So there's this guy. Haha, isn't there always? But anyway, I met him my first week of college, freshman year. He was in my Intro to Visual Arts class (a total bullshit, waste of time and money class, if you ask me). I met him the first time I went to that class. I asked him for directions and he asked me if I wanted to smoke. Ummm....of course I wanted to. I didn't go smoke down with him by myself though, I had a friend from high school with me who had that class too. No, that would have been a horrible idea to go alone, considering I had a boyfriend. I never wanted to do anything to make myself seem like a bad  girlfriend. We smoked, we talked, he took us back to our dorms, and then after that we sat next to each other in class each time I went, which was very rarely and mainly on exam days. You see, I had this class on Tuesday and Thursday nights. From 7 to 9. Every college student knows what goes down on Thursdays. I didn't have time to go to that insignificant class on a Thursday night when I had so much other shit to do like, go to dinner with the girls, go to the gym for an hour, then go back to my dorm and shower and get ready for the night's festivities. But getting to my point. I've known this guy for a while now, since I'm already halfway through my fourth semester of college. We used to party a lot too, but now we barely see each other and talk. Well, tonight, after I got back from the gym and after I had totally humiliated myself in front of a group of guys at the hot tub, I decided to see if this guy wanted to come smoke, since after all, he's a dealer. He has always given me and my friends pretty good deals on pot. Not to mention, he has some pretty dank shit. One hit gets me high, which in turn saves me some money since I'm not a frequent smoker. I can make an eighter last a month and a half, at the very least. So the guy comes over, smokes me down, didn't make me pay a dime for the bowls we smoked. I hadn't planned on this, by the way. I was actually going to go bowl for bowl with him, but he insisted I kept my shit. What a nice guy, right? The whole time he's at my apartment, all I could think about was how I haven't been laid in what seems like fucking years and how attractive and appealing he was looking. Needless to say, absolutely nothing sexual happened between us tonight, but I can't say the thought wasn't on my mind the entire time. The thing that made me want him even more is that he was nice enough to leave a few small buds with me. A parting gift? I don't know and I don't really fucking care because weed is weed. After he left, I was kicking myself for not making a move, but then this thought cross my mind, "If I had sex with him, would I be considered a prostitute? Would it be like me exchanging sex for weed?" I asked a couple people what they thought and they said that it's definitely not prostitution. But what if we had ended up boning? Would leaving the weed seem like my payment, say if he left it after the act was done and over with? Would it seem like he was paying me up front if he had given me the weed before we had sex? What are the guidelines about these kinda things? Do booze and drugs constitute as the same thing as a guy taking you out to dinner before he rails the shit out of you or buying you breakfast after a crazy night? Is it just that my mind is being stupid and way too over-analytic because I haven't gotten laid or really given any kind of guy contact much thought for a while now? Am I just getting really fucking dumb about guys now?

TItle change at 6 in the A.M.

You ain't ever gonna change, you got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for leaving.

 Well, I'm not too sure who my audience is; if I even have an audience that is, but I just wanted to introduce who I am, so this 6 in the morning blog post is going to cover both of these things as best as possible. Or as best as my wore out mind will let it.


Why am I writing a blog post at 6 A.M.? Well, that's easy. It's because I've been wiiiiide awake since 3 in the fucking morning. I wasn't able to get back to sleep, so after a couple hours of watching TV and reading other blogs, I decided to get my lazy ass up off the couch and go work out for an hour. Damn, it felt good. Now, I'm just going to write until my arms and hands give out and I finally doze off into a deep slumber. If that can even happen. 


Who I am. My name is Shelby. I am a 20 year old girl....woman? I don't know. It feels weird calling myself either of those. I am a full-time student and I am also a CNA. I've never really lived in one place for a long amount of time. Actually, I've lived at 10 different residences in all of my 20 (almost 21) years of life. Wow, I never really tallied that shit up. I don't think I'd get used to living in one spot for too long. Which is a main reason I'm dead set on staying single for a while. At least until I get myself established and settled (hopefully). I'm already planning another move to a bigger and possibly better city. I come from a very small town; 900 people population to be exact. I decided to go to school out of state and in an entirely new, definitely MUCH bigger city; somewhere I'd never been before. The day I moved into the dorms was the first time I had ever been to the city where my school is located. Yes, it was quite the change and I loved it. My relationship didn't love it too much though. I take some of the blame for why my daydream ended so abruptly and oh so deceitfully. Once I moved to the big city, I realized I loved it and school more than anything. I guess I just realized how much I could actually grow outside of the small town life. So here I am now, more grown up and needing another new city to make myself feel like an even better person. I'm the kind of person who loves new and exciting challenges. I'm constantly challenging myself and trying to do better. I feel my mom would have wanted it this way. Anyways, I was raised by my grandparents since I was just a baby. Back then, I wasn't really given the opportunity to fully understand it all because I rarely had contact with my birth mother and my younger half sisters. Looking back on it now though, I wouldn't have it any other way. My parents (grandparents) are the entire making of me. Because of them, I am who I am today. After my mom (grandmother) passed away a couple years ago, I definitely started re-evaluating who I am and how my life is going to be. I never took things seriously until I was faced with the most serious demon in my life; the cancer taking over my mother, the one person in the world I'll never get over living without's, body. Now that I've accepted and fought this demon to the best of my power, I feel like I can do anything, so I'm constantly setting myself up to do something better than I've ever done. My dad (grandfather) is a very old fashioned and simple man. He's by no means religious or spiritual, but he's definitely stuck in his strict ways. He doesn't believe in partying, teenagers having sex, drugs, etc. But ever since my mother passed away, me being 18 at the time, he's been more lenient with me. I think it has something to do with the fact that he thinks if he restricts me from all the things I've been doing behind his back since 15 years old that I'll leave him. I know he can't take another heartbreak or loss, so even if he was extremely strict with me, I'd still be right by his side. We didn't get along when I was younger. I guess it was my "growing" years that really got to him. I stayed out til 5 or 6 in the morning, conned my mom into letting me stay home from school all the time, snuck out when I wasn't allowed out, drank, explored my sexuality with a certain senior boy who took up 2 and a half years of my high school career, and in the summer, I slept  all day long and stayed out all night long. It was a cycle for me that I loved and didn't intend on changing at any time. I got in trouble a lot the summer before my Junior year of high school,. A DUI and 2 Minor in possession with theft charges piled on within 4 weeks isn't really a good look for anyone, especially not a 17 year old. I guess I slowed down a lot, but definitely didn't clean up much except for the fact that I quit smoking pot as much. The sex was still there, but that was cut down too because of the dick face senior boy who used and abused me any time he felt. Yeah, I was one of those stupid girls. So moving on, after I snapped out of my dazed and confused state of absolute stupidity and self humiliation, I was able to meet someone who wanted more from me than just "shitfaced at 4 in the morning" sex. I guess you could say I fell "in love" right from the start. If "love" is even something genuine. I'm honestly not so sure. He's the boy I refer to when I talk about my oblivious and seemingly incoherent phase of life that I call my "daydream". I'll probably write a post about him sometime soon. He's been on my mind a lot lately, even after a year has passed since our brakup/last spoken words. I'll probably write a post about the baby carrot wiener senior with whom I fucked around with for way too fucking long. It's weird he was on my mind yesterday. Real bad too. Of course, this was all brought on by a "too packed for one person" bowl. Shit, I'm losing my train of thought. I'm finally getting tired and shacking up in my "pitch black even at 2 in the afternoon" room is starting to sound damn great right now. I'll continue this later on in the day. So bye for now.