A totally different feeling than I thought it would be.

This is night 1 of not being in a fuck friendship with a guy I was borderline falling for. I must say, I thought that it would feel different. I think I've mentioned before that I am a person who has a hard time getting over things. I thought for sure that I would be waiting, hoping, wishing he would call or text and ask to hang out. Ya know, be all like, "I know you said this has to be over, but I really wanna see you." Well, a girl can dream can't she? I'll go into little detail about this boy, We went to middle and high school together. He was always one of the most popular guys in school. Hanging out with high schoolers when he was in middle school, and they, of course, were the popular high schoolers. It's not like he was one of those weird middle school kids into dragon and wizard video games who hung out with people three grades higher than him who hung out with only younger kids because they were just that socially challenged in high school that it was hard for them to associate with anyone on a more mature level than 8th grade. No, he was way mature for his age. I'm not saying his behavior was a good thing, but it definitely made him someone who all the girls wanted. In high school, he had a girlfriend who, wouldn't you know, was one of the most popular girls in middle and high school. She was in the same grade as him and everything, and had all the same popular, older friends he had. Just like him, she was (is) very attractive and had people tripping over themselves to talk to her. The only difference was that all through high school she was a virgin and did not partake in any illegal activity such as drugs or underage drinking. And it worked for them. Of course, when they weren't together, he was a huge man whore. Anyways, the boy I've been seeing is, for all the obvious reasons, someone I can't resist. In high school, I hung out with all the same people he hung out with, so I mean, I wasn't a huge loser or anything in school, but I just wasn't noticed by him. Once I moved away for college and got over pretty much everyone and everything in my small hometown, he started to notice. He's got that bad boy attitude about him and it's hard for me to say no to anything when it comes to him. He's sexy, popular, loves to party just as much as I do, can sweet talk anyone, and overall, great in bed. I had a lot of fun with him, but when I started to notice these feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time creep up on me, I had to end it, which I obviously did last night. You see,  we'd hook up once every few months when we'd both be back in our hometown. It'd be a one night thing, one or both of us would be completely drunk, and then we'd go on about our regular lives as if it never happened. And that was totally fine. That's how I liked it and, in fact, how I wanted it. I was okay with having sex with him and then not talking to him for months until it came time for our routine hook-up. But then I moved home for the summer, and things changed. We saw each other for the first 3 nights I was home, and talked all the time in between. He ended up going out of state for a week and the entire time he was gone, I couldn't stop thinking about him. That was the first sign I knew I was gonna be getting in deep. After I ended things last night, I stayed up for a while thinking that it was gonna be hard for me to not talk to him or go see him and that I'd give in right away. I figured I'd text him today or tonight and tell him that I wanted to have one last go around before it was officially over, but I didn't. I didn't have the urge to. I thought I'd sit around waiting for his text or that I'd get that nervous feeling in my stomach ever time I'd get a text message, wishing it was him, but nope, that feeling wasn't there either. I actually feel great and less anxious. I know the kind of guy he is, and I know that he won't text me asking to still hang out all the time. I guess I wasn't in as deep as I thought I was because this is so much easier than I thought it'd be. Does this mean I'm actually growing up and learning the rules of being in my twenty-somethings? ;)

And then I ended it...

Yep, the friends with "benefits" relationship I was briefly in is now over. I put the word -- benefits -- in quotations because honestly, I'm not sure if benefits is the right word. I mean, what benefits do we gain from something like this besides the obvious answer; exhilarating sex? For me, the benefits I USED TO get were the following: heart racing pleasure, great nights sleep, exercise, and then finally, just plain fun. These benefits were plentiful for a few months, but now it's time to move on. You see, I was all for the whole "get yours, have fun, no attachment" thing because I was in a long relationship that completely fucked me up in the head and I decided for the sake of my heart that I didn't want to get into anything serious with anyone for at least a couple years. Well, I got over that.. I'm almost 21 years old. I look at how fast high school and the first couple years of college went, and I realize that time isn't going to slow down for me since I'm getting older. Before I know it, I'll be 26 years old. And nowhere near being in any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I don't want to be that girl. I'm starting to see that maybe steering away from the commitment zone and keeping myself entrapped in the strictly sex zone, might not be the best decision making I've done in a while. I think I'm ready to put away my big girl slut pants and get back into the ring of steady dating and relationships. Actual relationships. The kind that you work for and reap the benefits long after it's all begun. Not just for a few months. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about ending things with my ex-fuck friend. I mean, I had so much fun with him. And I don't know where else I'm gonna get it living in this small ass hometown of mine for the summer. Where do I meet new people? I don't know how to do any of this. In high school it was all so easy because you didn't have to actually go out and look for guys. You had your pick right in front of you and from surrounding schools. Now, you have to go to different parties and actually put in the effort to even get a conversation going, not to mention getting the conversation to last. I think I'm actually going to miss this boy. We'll still be friends, at least. We were friends in high school and were pretty good friends when all of this started. It's just hard when one person starts to get strong feelings, which in this case, like most, is me. It was all so easy a few months ago for me to fuck 'em and leave 'em, but now I'm starting to miss all the things I did when I was in a relationship that I can't do when I'm single. I miss the cutesy texts and the cuddling all night. Can't do that with someone whose main goal is to get off and send you packin'. I can't blame him though. We both got into this fully aware that it was strictly platonic and nothing serious would come from it. Sometimes it's just so hard to convince my heart of that. So, here we go again. I feel a little sad about it all because when I ended it tonight, it was just that easy for him to be alright with it and agree. Guess the feelings weren't reciprocated. Which I understand and I'll get over within a weeks time. Hopefully. :)

Memories.

The kind of memories you make that you hang on to for years and when the perfect moment hits you, you relive them in every feeling and emotion you made them in. Those are the kind of memories I have back in my hometown. Just the feeling of the air takes me back 4 summers ago. I feel every emotion I ever felt and it's like Deja Vu, but I can't remember exactly what made me feel the way I do, I just remember the feeling, and that's okay with me. It's the light/dark color of the sky and the way the air is cool and warm at the same time that reminds me of walks with my best friend, eating popsicles, wearing converse, and venting about the guys we were seeing. Driving down Main Street, staring at the clock above the bank takes me back to all of the nights I drove around with my friends, drinking, and singing along to our favorite songs. The baseball diamond reminds me of all the nights my best friend and went to "swing out" all of our "problems"that, now, seem so trivial. Passing by the coffee shop, any time of day or night, reminds me of all the mornings my mom would go get me a breakfast burrito and my favorite apple juice while I rushed to get ready for school. Every little thing reminds me of something, the best times of my life, to be exact. My friend's driveway reminds me of all the times we sat on his tailgate or sat in his backyard just drinking and hanging out, laughing about everything. My old high school reminds me of all the football and basketball games I stayed out late for. I never realized how much I have in this town. I never realized that besides my dad and my friends, I have years of memories that I'll never forget. They stay with me, wherever I go. It's crazy growing up in a small town, when you're originally from somewhere big. The entire time you're there, you yearn for something bigger and "better". You itch to get out and move on to newer things. But the truth of the matter is, once you're gone, you're made to face that there's really no place like home. It also makes you realize how much harder saying Goodbye is each time you go back and have to leave that place you call home..

Three one sentence stories that still haunt my dreams.

1. Procrastination never bothered me until the night my mom passed away and I realized I hadn't told her everything she needed to hear from me because I figured it could wait until "tomorrow".

2. I didn't know that the only day in two years that I had ever walked away from him without kissing him goodbye would be the last opportunity I'd get to do so.

3. It took the loss of two people, whom I loved with every ounce of love and trust I had in me, to clearly see that I wasn't the person I wanted to be or the person I should have been.

This post was just something random and inspired by OneSentence