And then I ended it...

Yep, the friends with "benefits" relationship I was briefly in is now over. I put the word -- benefits -- in quotations because honestly, I'm not sure if benefits is the right word. I mean, what benefits do we gain from something like this besides the obvious answer; exhilarating sex? For me, the benefits I USED TO get were the following: heart racing pleasure, great nights sleep, exercise, and then finally, just plain fun. These benefits were plentiful for a few months, but now it's time to move on. You see, I was all for the whole "get yours, have fun, no attachment" thing because I was in a long relationship that completely fucked me up in the head and I decided for the sake of my heart that I didn't want to get into anything serious with anyone for at least a couple years. Well, I got over that.. I'm almost 21 years old. I look at how fast high school and the first couple years of college went, and I realize that time isn't going to slow down for me since I'm getting older. Before I know it, I'll be 26 years old. And nowhere near being in any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I don't want to be that girl. I'm starting to see that maybe steering away from the commitment zone and keeping myself entrapped in the strictly sex zone, might not be the best decision making I've done in a while. I think I'm ready to put away my big girl slut pants and get back into the ring of steady dating and relationships. Actual relationships. The kind that you work for and reap the benefits long after it's all begun. Not just for a few months. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about ending things with my ex-fuck friend. I mean, I had so much fun with him. And I don't know where else I'm gonna get it living in this small ass hometown of mine for the summer. Where do I meet new people? I don't know how to do any of this. In high school it was all so easy because you didn't have to actually go out and look for guys. You had your pick right in front of you and from surrounding schools. Now, you have to go to different parties and actually put in the effort to even get a conversation going, not to mention getting the conversation to last. I think I'm actually going to miss this boy. We'll still be friends, at least. We were friends in high school and were pretty good friends when all of this started. It's just hard when one person starts to get strong feelings, which in this case, like most, is me. It was all so easy a few months ago for me to fuck 'em and leave 'em, but now I'm starting to miss all the things I did when I was in a relationship that I can't do when I'm single. I miss the cutesy texts and the cuddling all night. Can't do that with someone whose main goal is to get off and send you packin'. I can't blame him though. We both got into this fully aware that it was strictly platonic and nothing serious would come from it. Sometimes it's just so hard to convince my heart of that. So, here we go again. I feel a little sad about it all because when I ended it tonight, it was just that easy for him to be alright with it and agree. Guess the feelings weren't reciprocated. Which I understand and I'll get over within a weeks time. Hopefully. :)

Things always there to remind us.I

I'm the kind of person who has to get rid of evidence. The way I am, it's hard for me to forget and get over things. I think something's wrong with me because I don't think it's normal, the amount of time it takes for me to get over someone or something. I think that I'm over my ex. Him as a person, I'm over it. I'm just not quite sure that I'm over what he did to me. I still think about it often. Throughout my day, there's something small that reminds me of a time I spent with him, which then leads to me thinking about all of the ways he hurt me. I think of what could have or should have happened or what I could have and should have said. It replays in my mind over and over until I force myself to believe that I've had enough of it. At first, I could never get it out of my mind. It took months for me to finally block most of it out. I went from thinking about it constantly, every single day, for months, to thinking about it once or twice, every day, up until now. I can usually go a whole day without thinking of him or what he did or what we had together, as long as I don't stumble upon something that brings it all back to me. There's still certain songs that I stay away from because I know that I won't be able to handle listening to them. I've gotten a pretty good hold over it all and some great self control. That's one thing I can love about the whole situation. I found a new sense of self and I've become a much stronger, independent person. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit and dwell over him or what he did every day. I'm not depressed and it's very easy for me to go on with my every day life without him. Now that I think about it, two years wasn't even as long as it had first seemed to be. Sure, I lived with him for 7 months of that two years, I spent every single weekend with him for those two years, but still looking back on it now, where I am in life today, it wasn't that long. There's definitely no reason to still be stuck on it all, it happened over a year ago. No,  I'm not still in love with him and I definitely have no intention of ever having any type of relationship with him ever again. We haven't talked since the day he broke up with me. So for over a year now, he's been non-existent in my life. You could say that every memory I have of him is just a figment of my imagination, something I made up, a recurring daydream. In fact, that's exactly what I believe it all to be. I'm not bitter anymore. I don't hate him. I'm not mad at what he did anymore. Sometimes a little hurt, but that's only when I'm having a rough day and my self-esteem is already at a low, but other than that, I've moved on from it. After all, how can you hold onto any type of feeling for someone you never even really knew? Anyways, today was just one of those days that could have brought me to my knees about 8 months ago, but today, it was actually easier than I thought it would be. There I was, cleaning out my email folders. They're all so full and I feel like most of it is stuff I don't need. I was so right. A LOT of it was shit I just didn't need. Out of the 6 pages of my sent folder, 3 of them were all things I had sent to him; pictures of my prom dress ideas, pictures of us, pictures of me, etc. In the drafts inbox, was one single email. It was to him and it was something I had wanted to send him after we broke up. In my inbox folder, on the very last page, page 30, were a few messages from him replying to the pictures of us I had sent him. In my "pictures" folder, I found pictures I had sent from my cell phone of us when we went to Estes Park, pictures from his motocross races, pictures of us in the summer, pictures of us from prom, pictures of us just messing around at the track. Pretty much digital copies of our entire relationship. Of course, the minute I saw all of this, I quickly deleted it. I didn't give myself enough time to read the emails I had sent my best friend about the break up or the draft I was meaning to send him. I didn't try to examine any of the pictures. I definitely steered away from looking at our faces and how happy we were back then. I had a slight moment of weakness and read the first sentence of the draft email meant for him, but I stopped myself dead in my own tracks in order to keep from tearing up. Yeah, I've learned a great sense of self-control. I didn't want to be reminded of how happy we were, I didn't want to be reminded of how I felt when him and I broke up. I didn't need evidence to show that he was, in fact, a real part of my life at one time. No, I didn't need something telling me that it wasn't just a dream, that it wasn't a figment of my imagination. I decided that today is going to be something I block out of my mind, something that never happened, just like everything else about that two year daydream that I snapped out of over a year ago. It's just crazy how it's so easy for us to get rid of everything that reminds us of someone, and besides all of the songs that randomly come on the radio that remind you of the night you said "I love you", or the places you pass while traveling that remind you of the first time you ever went somewhere with that person, you still somehow manage to uncover old photos or letters that just make everything so fresh. It's almost shocking when you find something you thought that there was no more left of. It took me 3 weeks to put everything into a box; letters, pictures, game tickets, movie stubs, everything. It took me about 9 months to finally throw that box away. After that, about every 3 months, I'd find a picture on file or a picture tucked away in a book. It only took me about a minute to throw that shit out. I thought I had gotten rid of everything, until today. I'm hoping that the deletion of over 40 files is the last of it. I'm praying that it's the last of it. Because like every other daydream, we have to wake up. Reality is where we're at. Sometimes you have to let go of certain daydreams in order to do what you have to do in order to keep pushing through your every day reality.