A totally different feeling than I thought it would be.

This is night 1 of not being in a fuck friendship with a guy I was borderline falling for. I must say, I thought that it would feel different. I think I've mentioned before that I am a person who has a hard time getting over things. I thought for sure that I would be waiting, hoping, wishing he would call or text and ask to hang out. Ya know, be all like, "I know you said this has to be over, but I really wanna see you." Well, a girl can dream can't she? I'll go into little detail about this boy, We went to middle and high school together. He was always one of the most popular guys in school. Hanging out with high schoolers when he was in middle school, and they, of course, were the popular high schoolers. It's not like he was one of those weird middle school kids into dragon and wizard video games who hung out with people three grades higher than him who hung out with only younger kids because they were just that socially challenged in high school that it was hard for them to associate with anyone on a more mature level than 8th grade. No, he was way mature for his age. I'm not saying his behavior was a good thing, but it definitely made him someone who all the girls wanted. In high school, he had a girlfriend who, wouldn't you know, was one of the most popular girls in middle and high school. She was in the same grade as him and everything, and had all the same popular, older friends he had. Just like him, she was (is) very attractive and had people tripping over themselves to talk to her. The only difference was that all through high school she was a virgin and did not partake in any illegal activity such as drugs or underage drinking. And it worked for them. Of course, when they weren't together, he was a huge man whore. Anyways, the boy I've been seeing is, for all the obvious reasons, someone I can't resist. In high school, I hung out with all the same people he hung out with, so I mean, I wasn't a huge loser or anything in school, but I just wasn't noticed by him. Once I moved away for college and got over pretty much everyone and everything in my small hometown, he started to notice. He's got that bad boy attitude about him and it's hard for me to say no to anything when it comes to him. He's sexy, popular, loves to party just as much as I do, can sweet talk anyone, and overall, great in bed. I had a lot of fun with him, but when I started to notice these feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time creep up on me, I had to end it, which I obviously did last night. You see,  we'd hook up once every few months when we'd both be back in our hometown. It'd be a one night thing, one or both of us would be completely drunk, and then we'd go on about our regular lives as if it never happened. And that was totally fine. That's how I liked it and, in fact, how I wanted it. I was okay with having sex with him and then not talking to him for months until it came time for our routine hook-up. But then I moved home for the summer, and things changed. We saw each other for the first 3 nights I was home, and talked all the time in between. He ended up going out of state for a week and the entire time he was gone, I couldn't stop thinking about him. That was the first sign I knew I was gonna be getting in deep. After I ended things last night, I stayed up for a while thinking that it was gonna be hard for me to not talk to him or go see him and that I'd give in right away. I figured I'd text him today or tonight and tell him that I wanted to have one last go around before it was officially over, but I didn't. I didn't have the urge to. I thought I'd sit around waiting for his text or that I'd get that nervous feeling in my stomach ever time I'd get a text message, wishing it was him, but nope, that feeling wasn't there either. I actually feel great and less anxious. I know the kind of guy he is, and I know that he won't text me asking to still hang out all the time. I guess I wasn't in as deep as I thought I was because this is so much easier than I thought it'd be. Does this mean I'm actually growing up and learning the rules of being in my twenty-somethings? ;)

And then I ended it...

Yep, the friends with "benefits" relationship I was briefly in is now over. I put the word -- benefits -- in quotations because honestly, I'm not sure if benefits is the right word. I mean, what benefits do we gain from something like this besides the obvious answer; exhilarating sex? For me, the benefits I USED TO get were the following: heart racing pleasure, great nights sleep, exercise, and then finally, just plain fun. These benefits were plentiful for a few months, but now it's time to move on. You see, I was all for the whole "get yours, have fun, no attachment" thing because I was in a long relationship that completely fucked me up in the head and I decided for the sake of my heart that I didn't want to get into anything serious with anyone for at least a couple years. Well, I got over that.. I'm almost 21 years old. I look at how fast high school and the first couple years of college went, and I realize that time isn't going to slow down for me since I'm getting older. Before I know it, I'll be 26 years old. And nowhere near being in any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I don't want to be that girl. I'm starting to see that maybe steering away from the commitment zone and keeping myself entrapped in the strictly sex zone, might not be the best decision making I've done in a while. I think I'm ready to put away my big girl slut pants and get back into the ring of steady dating and relationships. Actual relationships. The kind that you work for and reap the benefits long after it's all begun. Not just for a few months. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about ending things with my ex-fuck friend. I mean, I had so much fun with him. And I don't know where else I'm gonna get it living in this small ass hometown of mine for the summer. Where do I meet new people? I don't know how to do any of this. In high school it was all so easy because you didn't have to actually go out and look for guys. You had your pick right in front of you and from surrounding schools. Now, you have to go to different parties and actually put in the effort to even get a conversation going, not to mention getting the conversation to last. I think I'm actually going to miss this boy. We'll still be friends, at least. We were friends in high school and were pretty good friends when all of this started. It's just hard when one person starts to get strong feelings, which in this case, like most, is me. It was all so easy a few months ago for me to fuck 'em and leave 'em, but now I'm starting to miss all the things I did when I was in a relationship that I can't do when I'm single. I miss the cutesy texts and the cuddling all night. Can't do that with someone whose main goal is to get off and send you packin'. I can't blame him though. We both got into this fully aware that it was strictly platonic and nothing serious would come from it. Sometimes it's just so hard to convince my heart of that. So, here we go again. I feel a little sad about it all because when I ended it tonight, it was just that easy for him to be alright with it and agree. Guess the feelings weren't reciprocated. Which I understand and I'll get over within a weeks time. Hopefully. :)

Friends with benefits...?

I think that's what this is. I'm not quite sure yet. I guess that's what you'd call this situation because, I mean, this guy IS one of my friends and we do fuck. But I'm just wondering what the boundaries and terms of these kinds of things are. I admit, I've had one of these before and it went completely haywire, but I think that's only because of the age I was and because I was a virgin when it all began. Needless to say, I got way too attached and things just went to shit. Now I can't even be in the same room as this guy. But this time's different, I think...I hope. I was in a relationship for 2 years after my first, 3 year long, fuck friendship ended. And now that I've been through that whole, "I love you, I'll always love you, oh, now I hate you" shpeel, I'm completely over it and friends with benefits is honestly the only thing I want or can handle right now. I'm just afraid that maybe I'll start getting in too deep again. I've done pretty good with it for the past year, but lately, it's starting to feel different. I just don't know what to do. I went from being able to have sex with the dude one night, not text him or talk to/see him for months afterward, to having sex with him one night, seeing him again the next, and again, talk to him everyday for random things (buying beer, helping me untangle a fishing reel, etc.). And I think I'm starting to feel something. I haven't truly "felt" for anyone or anything in almost a year and a half. I talk to guys, think they're cool shit for a while, and then get completely annoyed and exhausted with the idea of talking to them any further. Sometimes it's a different situation, but has the same outcome. I talk to the dude for a while, enjoy it for a while, fuck him, leave him, and get annoyed with the idea that I even wasted my time. I'd reeeally love some input on this because I'm afraid that I'm returning to that same freshman girl who got attached too easily and quickly and then ended up completely fucked up over it. And this time, I know it'll turn out just the same as it did with the first guy, considering this is one of his best friends and they're pretty much exactly alike.

Any advice?

This summer, I'm going to live freely.

We all declare that "this summer" is going to be "the best one ever". I don't know how many times I've said this. I think the only times I've ever had an actual  good summer would be Summer of 2008 and Summer of 2011. Summer of 2010 could probably make the list of "best ones ever!", but it was a part of that daydream I had described in my previous post, so we'll just say that I've only had two great summers since having great summers actually became important to me. Anyways, I don't know what inspired me today, but I am just in the writing mood. The whole reason I started this blog was so I could release everything I'm feeling, mainly for stress related reasons, but also because I just love to write. I've always loved it, but after my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, I kinda just lost my flare for it for a while. It didn't seem as important to me as it did before and as it does today. I wish I never let writing down because I know that writing has never let me down. I guess I could have really used it back then and a year ago. But here I am, writing, being happy, loving my life, and sharing my thoughts with whoever is willing to take the time to try to understand them. I decided today, after looking at cover photos to playlists on 8tracks.com, that I am going to make a list of things I can do to truly make Summer of 2012, in fact, the best summer ever. I am actually looking forward to making all of this happen. Hope this can inspire you, whoever you may be, to make yourself a list too. :)

1. Make new friends. I seem to do this every year anyway, so I figured I'd add it to the list too, just to give it some supplement.
2. Have a hot, steamy, summer fling. Nothing serious. Just someone I can have fun with, without any commitment. I know every girls says that she doesn't wanna get attached to someone and then ends up doing it, but I'm actually that girl who honestly does not want attachment. On either end. I can't handle clingy guys who want to spend the night after sex, want to get breakfast, want to cuddle, want to sit and have long conversations about our lives. No,  that's not me. I know how that seems. Slutty, right? Well, I'm not a slut, like I've stated before in a previous post. I can count all of the partners I've had one on hand and there's still room left for more on the same hand. I don't have random sex. I don't use and abuse guys. I don't "get around". I used to be the girl who was in love with the idea of "love". I guess I've just learned to be a better person on my own. But it would be nice to have someone I can hang out with, party with, relieve some sexual tension with, and just be awesome friends with. I'd love this kinda person for the summer where everything seems to be more fun. I think it'd be a nice edition to have for a summer filled with awesomeness, and then, once the summer is over, we can remain friends, but nothing more. I know that's hard to come by, so that's why it's on this list because I am going to make something like this happen.
3. Do something new and insane. Like skydiving, cliff jumping, bungee jumping, anything exhilarating.
4. Change someones life. In a good way. I'm going to actually do this.
5. Work my ass off all summer long. I've been out of a full-time job for quite some time now due to school and what not. Last summer I just went wild. Partied like I did when I was a sophomore in high school. I didn't really have commitment to anything, which was nice, but also very irresponsible. So this summer, I'm going to get my ass in gear and do something other than eat, sleep, party. I know you're probably thinking, "How great can your summer be if you're going to be working the whole time?" Well, I'll tell you. I am a CNA and I work at the nursing home back in my hometown. It's a very small, tight-knit community, so of course the nursing home is relatively small too. I get super close with the residents there which makes me love my job, not to mention all of the extra money I'll finally have. I'm still gonna do some partying though. ;) Haha, okay, probably a lot, but not to the point that that's ALL I do. Hey, what can I say? Growing up goes slow.
6. Get a new car! This is my main motivation to working my entire summer away. I need one soooo bad. And I know that if I'm the one saving for it, then I'll get a car that I actually want. 
7. I'm going to mend some bridges that have been burned or damaged. I like to think that there's not a lot of these because I hate being that person who burns bridges, but I know that there's a few that I'll need to cross one of these days. When I was stuck in a two year daydream, I lost myself, as well as the closeness I had with family and some friends. Summer 2011 was about starting over and getting close with my family again. This summer is about getting close with my old friends again. 
8. Spend some quality time with my dad. We haven't done this since before my mom passed away. I know he's lonely while I'm away at school and last summer, I was hardly home. In fact, there hasn't been a time that I was home for more than two consecutive weeks since February of 2010. It breaks my heart and it's all actually catching up with me. I should have been with him the summer after my mom passed away. Actually I should have been with him the entire time after my mom passed away. I switched schools just a couple months after she passed away and haven't lived at home since. Wow, writing it down instead of thinking about it reeeally breaks my heart. So I thin I'm going to take him fishing. As much as I possibly can. For entire days. This is something that I need to do for sure. Above everything else. In fact, we'll just say that this is number one on my list since it'll be a lot of work to switch everything around and I wasn't actually listing these things by importance. This right here is the single most important thing on my list. Just so everyone knows.
9. Buy my dad something NICE! My dad has been such a huge help to me ever since I started college. I don't know how I would have made it this far without his support and financial help. I feel horrible that here I am, almost 21 years old, and I still rely on my dad for pretty much all of my financial needs. He's an old man. He's really my grandfather, but my grandparents raised me my whole life. So when I refer to my mom and dad, just remember that they're actually my grandparents. But to me, they'll always be just my parents. <3 Anyways, it's my turn to give back to him. This will be the summer that I start supporting myself and I do and buy nice things for HIM.
10. Hmmm, number ten. What should I put for 10 on the list? Since I always seem to get so carried away with writing and usually end up writing half of a novel, I think I'll stop this list with ten. The last thing that I am goaling (yes, I know that't not really a term) myself to is to finally open up about my mom's death. I've never really talked about the details of her death with anyone, except for the boy from my daydream. I've always held it inside and it really eats at me. So this summer, I am going to muster up all of my courage and finally talk about it.