And then I ended it...

Yep, the friends with "benefits" relationship I was briefly in is now over. I put the word -- benefits -- in quotations because honestly, I'm not sure if benefits is the right word. I mean, what benefits do we gain from something like this besides the obvious answer; exhilarating sex? For me, the benefits I USED TO get were the following: heart racing pleasure, great nights sleep, exercise, and then finally, just plain fun. These benefits were plentiful for a few months, but now it's time to move on. You see, I was all for the whole "get yours, have fun, no attachment" thing because I was in a long relationship that completely fucked me up in the head and I decided for the sake of my heart that I didn't want to get into anything serious with anyone for at least a couple years. Well, I got over that.. I'm almost 21 years old. I look at how fast high school and the first couple years of college went, and I realize that time isn't going to slow down for me since I'm getting older. Before I know it, I'll be 26 years old. And nowhere near being in any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I don't want to be that girl. I'm starting to see that maybe steering away from the commitment zone and keeping myself entrapped in the strictly sex zone, might not be the best decision making I've done in a while. I think I'm ready to put away my big girl slut pants and get back into the ring of steady dating and relationships. Actual relationships. The kind that you work for and reap the benefits long after it's all begun. Not just for a few months. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about ending things with my ex-fuck friend. I mean, I had so much fun with him. And I don't know where else I'm gonna get it living in this small ass hometown of mine for the summer. Where do I meet new people? I don't know how to do any of this. In high school it was all so easy because you didn't have to actually go out and look for guys. You had your pick right in front of you and from surrounding schools. Now, you have to go to different parties and actually put in the effort to even get a conversation going, not to mention getting the conversation to last. I think I'm actually going to miss this boy. We'll still be friends, at least. We were friends in high school and were pretty good friends when all of this started. It's just hard when one person starts to get strong feelings, which in this case, like most, is me. It was all so easy a few months ago for me to fuck 'em and leave 'em, but now I'm starting to miss all the things I did when I was in a relationship that I can't do when I'm single. I miss the cutesy texts and the cuddling all night. Can't do that with someone whose main goal is to get off and send you packin'. I can't blame him though. We both got into this fully aware that it was strictly platonic and nothing serious would come from it. Sometimes it's just so hard to convince my heart of that. So, here we go again. I feel a little sad about it all because when I ended it tonight, it was just that easy for him to be alright with it and agree. Guess the feelings weren't reciprocated. Which I understand and I'll get over within a weeks time. Hopefully. :)

Are there guidelines to these kind of things?!

So there's this guy. Haha, isn't there always? But anyway, I met him my first week of college, freshman year. He was in my Intro to Visual Arts class (a total bullshit, waste of time and money class, if you ask me). I met him the first time I went to that class. I asked him for directions and he asked me if I wanted to smoke. Ummm....of course I wanted to. I didn't go smoke down with him by myself though, I had a friend from high school with me who had that class too. No, that would have been a horrible idea to go alone, considering I had a boyfriend. I never wanted to do anything to make myself seem like a bad  girlfriend. We smoked, we talked, he took us back to our dorms, and then after that we sat next to each other in class each time I went, which was very rarely and mainly on exam days. You see, I had this class on Tuesday and Thursday nights. From 7 to 9. Every college student knows what goes down on Thursdays. I didn't have time to go to that insignificant class on a Thursday night when I had so much other shit to do like, go to dinner with the girls, go to the gym for an hour, then go back to my dorm and shower and get ready for the night's festivities. But getting to my point. I've known this guy for a while now, since I'm already halfway through my fourth semester of college. We used to party a lot too, but now we barely see each other and talk. Well, tonight, after I got back from the gym and after I had totally humiliated myself in front of a group of guys at the hot tub, I decided to see if this guy wanted to come smoke, since after all, he's a dealer. He has always given me and my friends pretty good deals on pot. Not to mention, he has some pretty dank shit. One hit gets me high, which in turn saves me some money since I'm not a frequent smoker. I can make an eighter last a month and a half, at the very least. So the guy comes over, smokes me down, didn't make me pay a dime for the bowls we smoked. I hadn't planned on this, by the way. I was actually going to go bowl for bowl with him, but he insisted I kept my shit. What a nice guy, right? The whole time he's at my apartment, all I could think about was how I haven't been laid in what seems like fucking years and how attractive and appealing he was looking. Needless to say, absolutely nothing sexual happened between us tonight, but I can't say the thought wasn't on my mind the entire time. The thing that made me want him even more is that he was nice enough to leave a few small buds with me. A parting gift? I don't know and I don't really fucking care because weed is weed. After he left, I was kicking myself for not making a move, but then this thought cross my mind, "If I had sex with him, would I be considered a prostitute? Would it be like me exchanging sex for weed?" I asked a couple people what they thought and they said that it's definitely not prostitution. But what if we had ended up boning? Would leaving the weed seem like my payment, say if he left it after the act was done and over with? Would it seem like he was paying me up front if he had given me the weed before we had sex? What are the guidelines about these kinda things? Do booze and drugs constitute as the same thing as a guy taking you out to dinner before he rails the shit out of you or buying you breakfast after a crazy night? Is it just that my mind is being stupid and way too over-analytic because I haven't gotten laid or really given any kind of guy contact much thought for a while now? Am I just getting really fucking dumb about guys now?