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Something so selfish, yet so tragic.

Not too long ago, a friend, not exactly close, but still a friend, committed suicide. I can remember exactly where I was and how I felt when I scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed the morning after his death. My phone had been shut off because I was late on my bill payment (oops), so Facebook was my only means of communication with the outside world, considering I was 45 miles away from my apartment at my aunts, in a town just as small as the town I great up in. He was a friend from Nebraska whom I pretty much grew up with. I had the biggest crush on him my 7th grade year when he was a 6th grader. I can remember sitting on his lap and kissing him at my Halloween party that year. I also remember that he was the first boy I had ever sexually explored with. It's crazy to think how much significance someone really had in your life, when for so long, you hardly talked. During high school, we got along, but we weren't close. We partied together in the summers and we ate at the same lunch table. We hung out with all the same people, just never hung out alone together. The distance really came between us when I left for school in a different state after my senior year. We talked only on the occasions I was home, sometimes we did more than hang out, but never got serious. Finally, we just stopped completely, hardly ever talked, barely saw each other even when we were in the same town. Aside from the fact that our friendship had somewhat diminished, I was still filled with hurt and sadness when I read all of the Facebook statuses about his death. I get the chills just thinking about it and typing all of this up right now. He touched so many lives and had friends literally everywhere. I hadn't heard all of the details until later that day. He had gotten hit by a train in his truck. There were pictures on the online newspapers of his totaled truck. I couldn't look at them for more than 3 seconds without wanting to throw up. The disbelief was so sever that it built up like bricks inside of my stomach. His services were held at a time that was impossible for me to make. I felt horrible, but I knew he'd understand. It was only a few weeks later that I had found out what actually had happened. A friend told me that he had sent a text message to his mom and one of his closest friends saying, "This is it," before he drove his truck out in front of that train. No one had any idea that he had thoughts of killing himself. He had appeared to be one of the happiest people any of us knew. He was more popular than anyone I knew since middle school, he excelled in every sport he participated in, he was going to college parties when he first entered high school, he had friends in almost every town from western to eastern ends of the state. I was so shocked that it took me a minute to catch my breath. I definitely felt guilty for not extending my friendship to him like I had before. In a way, I also felt guilty for being so sad over it, when we weren't even close friends toward the end. Today, I started back at my old job at a nursing home in my hometown that I used to work at during high school. I saw one of the saddest things that just broke my heart and really got me thinking. His grandmother is one of the residents there and it's something that just really hit her hard. It's been 3 months since his passing, so it's still pretty fresh in everyone's mind. Today, she just cried and cried and cried, worrying about her daughter and her other grandchildren, and missing him so much. It broke my heart to see her in so much pain. To lose a child or a grandchild has got to be one of the hardest things any mother could go through, I can't even imagine. Seeing her in one of the saddest states I've ever seen anyone, I started thinking about what he could have possibly been thinking to take his life so abruptly that night and to leave people who love him, so very much, behind. His family adored him and still do. They were all very close and loving, so I just don't understand how he didn't think of them right before he did it. Maybe he did. Who knows? As sad as suicide is, it's downright selfish. You take yourself out of your own pain, only to cause greater pain in many other lives. This is by no means my way of bashing him or saying anything to dishonor him. The loss of him is tragic, and it rings through this town like sirens. I've watched my best friends, who were best friends with him, mourn over him and hurt deeply. It's heartbreaking, really. I also see so many people. struggling, and suffering to live. I know that they'll lose their life by nature, while they're fighting to survive. And then there's people who have the chance to live, healthily, for a long time, and they take that for granted and just end their life right then and there. I just don't understand it. It's something that's just really selfish, and tragic all in the same.

A totally different feeling than I thought it would be.

This is night 1 of not being in a fuck friendship with a guy I was borderline falling for. I must say, I thought that it would feel different. I think I've mentioned before that I am a person who has a hard time getting over things. I thought for sure that I would be waiting, hoping, wishing he would call or text and ask to hang out. Ya know, be all like, "I know you said this has to be over, but I really wanna see you." Well, a girl can dream can't she? I'll go into little detail about this boy, We went to middle and high school together. He was always one of the most popular guys in school. Hanging out with high schoolers when he was in middle school, and they, of course, were the popular high schoolers. It's not like he was one of those weird middle school kids into dragon and wizard video games who hung out with people three grades higher than him who hung out with only younger kids because they were just that socially challenged in high school that it was hard for them to associate with anyone on a more mature level than 8th grade. No, he was way mature for his age. I'm not saying his behavior was a good thing, but it definitely made him someone who all the girls wanted. In high school, he had a girlfriend who, wouldn't you know, was one of the most popular girls in middle and high school. She was in the same grade as him and everything, and had all the same popular, older friends he had. Just like him, she was (is) very attractive and had people tripping over themselves to talk to her. The only difference was that all through high school she was a virgin and did not partake in any illegal activity such as drugs or underage drinking. And it worked for them. Of course, when they weren't together, he was a huge man whore. Anyways, the boy I've been seeing is, for all the obvious reasons, someone I can't resist. In high school, I hung out with all the same people he hung out with, so I mean, I wasn't a huge loser or anything in school, but I just wasn't noticed by him. Once I moved away for college and got over pretty much everyone and everything in my small hometown, he started to notice. He's got that bad boy attitude about him and it's hard for me to say no to anything when it comes to him. He's sexy, popular, loves to party just as much as I do, can sweet talk anyone, and overall, great in bed. I had a lot of fun with him, but when I started to notice these feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time creep up on me, I had to end it, which I obviously did last night. You see,  we'd hook up once every few months when we'd both be back in our hometown. It'd be a one night thing, one or both of us would be completely drunk, and then we'd go on about our regular lives as if it never happened. And that was totally fine. That's how I liked it and, in fact, how I wanted it. I was okay with having sex with him and then not talking to him for months until it came time for our routine hook-up. But then I moved home for the summer, and things changed. We saw each other for the first 3 nights I was home, and talked all the time in between. He ended up going out of state for a week and the entire time he was gone, I couldn't stop thinking about him. That was the first sign I knew I was gonna be getting in deep. After I ended things last night, I stayed up for a while thinking that it was gonna be hard for me to not talk to him or go see him and that I'd give in right away. I figured I'd text him today or tonight and tell him that I wanted to have one last go around before it was officially over, but I didn't. I didn't have the urge to. I thought I'd sit around waiting for his text or that I'd get that nervous feeling in my stomach ever time I'd get a text message, wishing it was him, but nope, that feeling wasn't there either. I actually feel great and less anxious. I know the kind of guy he is, and I know that he won't text me asking to still hang out all the time. I guess I wasn't in as deep as I thought I was because this is so much easier than I thought it'd be. Does this mean I'm actually growing up and learning the rules of being in my twenty-somethings? ;)

And then I ended it...

Yep, the friends with "benefits" relationship I was briefly in is now over. I put the word -- benefits -- in quotations because honestly, I'm not sure if benefits is the right word. I mean, what benefits do we gain from something like this besides the obvious answer; exhilarating sex? For me, the benefits I USED TO get were the following: heart racing pleasure, great nights sleep, exercise, and then finally, just plain fun. These benefits were plentiful for a few months, but now it's time to move on. You see, I was all for the whole "get yours, have fun, no attachment" thing because I was in a long relationship that completely fucked me up in the head and I decided for the sake of my heart that I didn't want to get into anything serious with anyone for at least a couple years. Well, I got over that.. I'm almost 21 years old. I look at how fast high school and the first couple years of college went, and I realize that time isn't going to slow down for me since I'm getting older. Before I know it, I'll be 26 years old. And nowhere near being in any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I don't want to be that girl. I'm starting to see that maybe steering away from the commitment zone and keeping myself entrapped in the strictly sex zone, might not be the best decision making I've done in a while. I think I'm ready to put away my big girl slut pants and get back into the ring of steady dating and relationships. Actual relationships. The kind that you work for and reap the benefits long after it's all begun. Not just for a few months. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about ending things with my ex-fuck friend. I mean, I had so much fun with him. And I don't know where else I'm gonna get it living in this small ass hometown of mine for the summer. Where do I meet new people? I don't know how to do any of this. In high school it was all so easy because you didn't have to actually go out and look for guys. You had your pick right in front of you and from surrounding schools. Now, you have to go to different parties and actually put in the effort to even get a conversation going, not to mention getting the conversation to last. I think I'm actually going to miss this boy. We'll still be friends, at least. We were friends in high school and were pretty good friends when all of this started. It's just hard when one person starts to get strong feelings, which in this case, like most, is me. It was all so easy a few months ago for me to fuck 'em and leave 'em, but now I'm starting to miss all the things I did when I was in a relationship that I can't do when I'm single. I miss the cutesy texts and the cuddling all night. Can't do that with someone whose main goal is to get off and send you packin'. I can't blame him though. We both got into this fully aware that it was strictly platonic and nothing serious would come from it. Sometimes it's just so hard to convince my heart of that. So, here we go again. I feel a little sad about it all because when I ended it tonight, it was just that easy for him to be alright with it and agree. Guess the feelings weren't reciprocated. Which I understand and I'll get over within a weeks time. Hopefully. :)

Friends with benefits...?

I think that's what this is. I'm not quite sure yet. I guess that's what you'd call this situation because, I mean, this guy IS one of my friends and we do fuck. But I'm just wondering what the boundaries and terms of these kinds of things are. I admit, I've had one of these before and it went completely haywire, but I think that's only because of the age I was and because I was a virgin when it all began. Needless to say, I got way too attached and things just went to shit. Now I can't even be in the same room as this guy. But this time's different, I think...I hope. I was in a relationship for 2 years after my first, 3 year long, fuck friendship ended. And now that I've been through that whole, "I love you, I'll always love you, oh, now I hate you" shpeel, I'm completely over it and friends with benefits is honestly the only thing I want or can handle right now. I'm just afraid that maybe I'll start getting in too deep again. I've done pretty good with it for the past year, but lately, it's starting to feel different. I just don't know what to do. I went from being able to have sex with the dude one night, not text him or talk to/see him for months afterward, to having sex with him one night, seeing him again the next, and again, talk to him everyday for random things (buying beer, helping me untangle a fishing reel, etc.). And I think I'm starting to feel something. I haven't truly "felt" for anyone or anything in almost a year and a half. I talk to guys, think they're cool shit for a while, and then get completely annoyed and exhausted with the idea of talking to them any further. Sometimes it's a different situation, but has the same outcome. I talk to the dude for a while, enjoy it for a while, fuck him, leave him, and get annoyed with the idea that I even wasted my time. I'd reeeally love some input on this because I'm afraid that I'm returning to that same freshman girl who got attached too easily and quickly and then ended up completely fucked up over it. And this time, I know it'll turn out just the same as it did with the first guy, considering this is one of his best friends and they're pretty much exactly alike.

Any advice?

Memories.

The kind of memories you make that you hang on to for years and when the perfect moment hits you, you relive them in every feeling and emotion you made them in. Those are the kind of memories I have back in my hometown. Just the feeling of the air takes me back 4 summers ago. I feel every emotion I ever felt and it's like Deja Vu, but I can't remember exactly what made me feel the way I do, I just remember the feeling, and that's okay with me. It's the light/dark color of the sky and the way the air is cool and warm at the same time that reminds me of walks with my best friend, eating popsicles, wearing converse, and venting about the guys we were seeing. Driving down Main Street, staring at the clock above the bank takes me back to all of the nights I drove around with my friends, drinking, and singing along to our favorite songs. The baseball diamond reminds me of all the nights my best friend and went to "swing out" all of our "problems"that, now, seem so trivial. Passing by the coffee shop, any time of day or night, reminds me of all the mornings my mom would go get me a breakfast burrito and my favorite apple juice while I rushed to get ready for school. Every little thing reminds me of something, the best times of my life, to be exact. My friend's driveway reminds me of all the times we sat on his tailgate or sat in his backyard just drinking and hanging out, laughing about everything. My old high school reminds me of all the football and basketball games I stayed out late for. I never realized how much I have in this town. I never realized that besides my dad and my friends, I have years of memories that I'll never forget. They stay with me, wherever I go. It's crazy growing up in a small town, when you're originally from somewhere big. The entire time you're there, you yearn for something bigger and "better". You itch to get out and move on to newer things. But the truth of the matter is, once you're gone, you're made to face that there's really no place like home. It also makes you realize how much harder saying Goodbye is each time you go back and have to leave that place you call home..

Are there guidelines to these kind of things?!

So there's this guy. Haha, isn't there always? But anyway, I met him my first week of college, freshman year. He was in my Intro to Visual Arts class (a total bullshit, waste of time and money class, if you ask me). I met him the first time I went to that class. I asked him for directions and he asked me if I wanted to smoke. Ummm....of course I wanted to. I didn't go smoke down with him by myself though, I had a friend from high school with me who had that class too. No, that would have been a horrible idea to go alone, considering I had a boyfriend. I never wanted to do anything to make myself seem like a bad  girlfriend. We smoked, we talked, he took us back to our dorms, and then after that we sat next to each other in class each time I went, which was very rarely and mainly on exam days. You see, I had this class on Tuesday and Thursday nights. From 7 to 9. Every college student knows what goes down on Thursdays. I didn't have time to go to that insignificant class on a Thursday night when I had so much other shit to do like, go to dinner with the girls, go to the gym for an hour, then go back to my dorm and shower and get ready for the night's festivities. But getting to my point. I've known this guy for a while now, since I'm already halfway through my fourth semester of college. We used to party a lot too, but now we barely see each other and talk. Well, tonight, after I got back from the gym and after I had totally humiliated myself in front of a group of guys at the hot tub, I decided to see if this guy wanted to come smoke, since after all, he's a dealer. He has always given me and my friends pretty good deals on pot. Not to mention, he has some pretty dank shit. One hit gets me high, which in turn saves me some money since I'm not a frequent smoker. I can make an eighter last a month and a half, at the very least. So the guy comes over, smokes me down, didn't make me pay a dime for the bowls we smoked. I hadn't planned on this, by the way. I was actually going to go bowl for bowl with him, but he insisted I kept my shit. What a nice guy, right? The whole time he's at my apartment, all I could think about was how I haven't been laid in what seems like fucking years and how attractive and appealing he was looking. Needless to say, absolutely nothing sexual happened between us tonight, but I can't say the thought wasn't on my mind the entire time. The thing that made me want him even more is that he was nice enough to leave a few small buds with me. A parting gift? I don't know and I don't really fucking care because weed is weed. After he left, I was kicking myself for not making a move, but then this thought cross my mind, "If I had sex with him, would I be considered a prostitute? Would it be like me exchanging sex for weed?" I asked a couple people what they thought and they said that it's definitely not prostitution. But what if we had ended up boning? Would leaving the weed seem like my payment, say if he left it after the act was done and over with? Would it seem like he was paying me up front if he had given me the weed before we had sex? What are the guidelines about these kinda things? Do booze and drugs constitute as the same thing as a guy taking you out to dinner before he rails the shit out of you or buying you breakfast after a crazy night? Is it just that my mind is being stupid and way too over-analytic because I haven't gotten laid or really given any kind of guy contact much thought for a while now? Am I just getting really fucking dumb about guys now?

Gypsy soul, born for leaving, yadda yadda yadda (contd.)

I'm finally a little rested up. And I'm thinking that my mind is in a good place. Actually, that's partially true because even though I was finally able to fall asleep, I did so on the living room couch which then resulted in me being woken up by my stupid bitch roommate and her douche bag abusive boyfriend hustling in and out of the apartment. As you could tell, I really don't like either of them. The funny thing about it though, is that my roommate and I were best friends at one time. Or so I thought. I guess when I think about it now, she was never invested in the friendship like my other two roommates were/are. I'm still fairly close with the other two. But this one, she really irks me. I usually don't let people get under my skin, but she sure has a way of making me feel really fucking uncomfortable. But she's a whole other story and I don't feel like getting into her bullshit, so we'll save that for a different time, or no time. So more about me? Well, I don't like long walks on the beach with someone special unless it's my baby cousin, Khloe. That girl is my entire world. I don't think I've ever loved another human being as much as I love her (except for my parents, of course). Khloe came at the perfect time. A year after my mother had passed away, and a month after my ex-boyfriend (yes, I referred to him as something other than "the boy from my daydream". I'm in too good of a mood to be indifferent to him today.), broke up. Not to mention she was born two days after I had found out that my boyfriend of two years had been cheating on me for months and was dating the fat slut just 3 weeks after we (he) had ended things. Yeah, Khloe is perfect. She turned my world around and put it right side up after it had been turned upside down. I love her like she's my own, and to be honest (p.s. I hate that TBH shit on FB, so if any of you hate it too, I'm sorry for using it here.) she pretty much was my own for the first 6 months of her life. I was a live-in nanny to her while my aunt was at work, and also when my lazy aunt was home from work. I don't mind it though, that girl has the power to make everything feel so right in my world. I literally get depressed if I don't see her for a while. Anyways, I could go on for days about this girl, but I'll stop. So moving on to some more things about me. I don't like commitment. At all. In fact, I get freaked out any time a guy texts me for more than 3 consecutive days because I feel like he's getting attached. Crazy, right? I know. It's just how my brain has conditioned me to be. Thanks to the two assholes I put every ounce of effort I had in, I am now one of those cold bitches who would rather get hers and leave than worry about where a guy's from and if he has a Facebook. I don't appreciate a guy staying in my bed after we've just got done doing the deed and I really do not tolerate any cuddling. I get annoyed easily when I am constantly asked to go on a date or even when I am constantly asked how I'm doing or what I'm up to. I didn't used to be this way. I used to be that clingy, easily and very attached, down for anything, walked all over girl. I used to "love". Basically I was just a bunch of bullshit like my roommate. I'm not saying I wouldn't let someone in. But for now, I just don't see it happening any time soon. I suppose I just need to find someone I can click with right away. But don't get it twisted, I'm not looking. I love watching Motocross. My ex was an MX racer and he pretty much introduced me to the sport. I'm a cluts on a bike, but I do love me some boys in gear with more power between their legs than I've ever had. I looooove my family and doing family things. Another weird thing, I love my ex-boyfriend's family too. They're pretty much my own family, in the fact that they take my side over my ex's any day and they hate his new girlfriend just as much as I do. Yeah, it's great to be liked by the family, I'd definitely hate to not be in good with them. Maybe I'll ask the fat slut how much of a bitch it feels like to not be allowed at her boyfriend's family gatherings when his ex girlfriend is. :) Yeah, I'm a bitch about it. I love summer. It's my season. This summer, I turn 21, so I'm more pumped for it than ever. I can finally get shit faced at a bar instead of at someone's house, but I know I'll miss the house parties too. I love all kinds of music, except for that old country western and classical shit. I'm not big on TV, but the TV I do watch is definitely dramatic like my life. I love to workout, the only problem is that I'm a lazy motherfucker and it's hard to motivate myself to do so. Mmm, I'm definitely not quiet. I am outgoing and LOVE meeting new people. I love to write, even if I'm not so good at it. There's really a lot to me, but this post is getting ridiculously long. So I guess, comment if you're interested enough to know more about me.

TItle change at 6 in the A.M.

You ain't ever gonna change, you got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for leaving.

 Well, I'm not too sure who my audience is; if I even have an audience that is, but I just wanted to introduce who I am, so this 6 in the morning blog post is going to cover both of these things as best as possible. Or as best as my wore out mind will let it.


Why am I writing a blog post at 6 A.M.? Well, that's easy. It's because I've been wiiiiide awake since 3 in the fucking morning. I wasn't able to get back to sleep, so after a couple hours of watching TV and reading other blogs, I decided to get my lazy ass up off the couch and go work out for an hour. Damn, it felt good. Now, I'm just going to write until my arms and hands give out and I finally doze off into a deep slumber. If that can even happen. 


Who I am. My name is Shelby. I am a 20 year old girl....woman? I don't know. It feels weird calling myself either of those. I am a full-time student and I am also a CNA. I've never really lived in one place for a long amount of time. Actually, I've lived at 10 different residences in all of my 20 (almost 21) years of life. Wow, I never really tallied that shit up. I don't think I'd get used to living in one spot for too long. Which is a main reason I'm dead set on staying single for a while. At least until I get myself established and settled (hopefully). I'm already planning another move to a bigger and possibly better city. I come from a very small town; 900 people population to be exact. I decided to go to school out of state and in an entirely new, definitely MUCH bigger city; somewhere I'd never been before. The day I moved into the dorms was the first time I had ever been to the city where my school is located. Yes, it was quite the change and I loved it. My relationship didn't love it too much though. I take some of the blame for why my daydream ended so abruptly and oh so deceitfully. Once I moved to the big city, I realized I loved it and school more than anything. I guess I just realized how much I could actually grow outside of the small town life. So here I am now, more grown up and needing another new city to make myself feel like an even better person. I'm the kind of person who loves new and exciting challenges. I'm constantly challenging myself and trying to do better. I feel my mom would have wanted it this way. Anyways, I was raised by my grandparents since I was just a baby. Back then, I wasn't really given the opportunity to fully understand it all because I rarely had contact with my birth mother and my younger half sisters. Looking back on it now though, I wouldn't have it any other way. My parents (grandparents) are the entire making of me. Because of them, I am who I am today. After my mom (grandmother) passed away a couple years ago, I definitely started re-evaluating who I am and how my life is going to be. I never took things seriously until I was faced with the most serious demon in my life; the cancer taking over my mother, the one person in the world I'll never get over living without's, body. Now that I've accepted and fought this demon to the best of my power, I feel like I can do anything, so I'm constantly setting myself up to do something better than I've ever done. My dad (grandfather) is a very old fashioned and simple man. He's by no means religious or spiritual, but he's definitely stuck in his strict ways. He doesn't believe in partying, teenagers having sex, drugs, etc. But ever since my mother passed away, me being 18 at the time, he's been more lenient with me. I think it has something to do with the fact that he thinks if he restricts me from all the things I've been doing behind his back since 15 years old that I'll leave him. I know he can't take another heartbreak or loss, so even if he was extremely strict with me, I'd still be right by his side. We didn't get along when I was younger. I guess it was my "growing" years that really got to him. I stayed out til 5 or 6 in the morning, conned my mom into letting me stay home from school all the time, snuck out when I wasn't allowed out, drank, explored my sexuality with a certain senior boy who took up 2 and a half years of my high school career, and in the summer, I slept  all day long and stayed out all night long. It was a cycle for me that I loved and didn't intend on changing at any time. I got in trouble a lot the summer before my Junior year of high school,. A DUI and 2 Minor in possession with theft charges piled on within 4 weeks isn't really a good look for anyone, especially not a 17 year old. I guess I slowed down a lot, but definitely didn't clean up much except for the fact that I quit smoking pot as much. The sex was still there, but that was cut down too because of the dick face senior boy who used and abused me any time he felt. Yeah, I was one of those stupid girls. So moving on, after I snapped out of my dazed and confused state of absolute stupidity and self humiliation, I was able to meet someone who wanted more from me than just "shitfaced at 4 in the morning" sex. I guess you could say I fell "in love" right from the start. If "love" is even something genuine. I'm honestly not so sure. He's the boy I refer to when I talk about my oblivious and seemingly incoherent phase of life that I call my "daydream". I'll probably write a post about him sometime soon. He's been on my mind a lot lately, even after a year has passed since our brakup/last spoken words. I'll probably write a post about the baby carrot wiener senior with whom I fucked around with for way too fucking long. It's weird he was on my mind yesterday. Real bad too. Of course, this was all brought on by a "too packed for one person" bowl. Shit, I'm losing my train of thought. I'm finally getting tired and shacking up in my "pitch black even at 2 in the afternoon" room is starting to sound damn great right now. I'll continue this later on in the day. So bye for now. 

This summer, I'm going to live freely.

We all declare that "this summer" is going to be "the best one ever". I don't know how many times I've said this. I think the only times I've ever had an actual  good summer would be Summer of 2008 and Summer of 2011. Summer of 2010 could probably make the list of "best ones ever!", but it was a part of that daydream I had described in my previous post, so we'll just say that I've only had two great summers since having great summers actually became important to me. Anyways, I don't know what inspired me today, but I am just in the writing mood. The whole reason I started this blog was so I could release everything I'm feeling, mainly for stress related reasons, but also because I just love to write. I've always loved it, but after my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, I kinda just lost my flare for it for a while. It didn't seem as important to me as it did before and as it does today. I wish I never let writing down because I know that writing has never let me down. I guess I could have really used it back then and a year ago. But here I am, writing, being happy, loving my life, and sharing my thoughts with whoever is willing to take the time to try to understand them. I decided today, after looking at cover photos to playlists on 8tracks.com, that I am going to make a list of things I can do to truly make Summer of 2012, in fact, the best summer ever. I am actually looking forward to making all of this happen. Hope this can inspire you, whoever you may be, to make yourself a list too. :)

1. Make new friends. I seem to do this every year anyway, so I figured I'd add it to the list too, just to give it some supplement.
2. Have a hot, steamy, summer fling. Nothing serious. Just someone I can have fun with, without any commitment. I know every girls says that she doesn't wanna get attached to someone and then ends up doing it, but I'm actually that girl who honestly does not want attachment. On either end. I can't handle clingy guys who want to spend the night after sex, want to get breakfast, want to cuddle, want to sit and have long conversations about our lives. No,  that's not me. I know how that seems. Slutty, right? Well, I'm not a slut, like I've stated before in a previous post. I can count all of the partners I've had one on hand and there's still room left for more on the same hand. I don't have random sex. I don't use and abuse guys. I don't "get around". I used to be the girl who was in love with the idea of "love". I guess I've just learned to be a better person on my own. But it would be nice to have someone I can hang out with, party with, relieve some sexual tension with, and just be awesome friends with. I'd love this kinda person for the summer where everything seems to be more fun. I think it'd be a nice edition to have for a summer filled with awesomeness, and then, once the summer is over, we can remain friends, but nothing more. I know that's hard to come by, so that's why it's on this list because I am going to make something like this happen.
3. Do something new and insane. Like skydiving, cliff jumping, bungee jumping, anything exhilarating.
4. Change someones life. In a good way. I'm going to actually do this.
5. Work my ass off all summer long. I've been out of a full-time job for quite some time now due to school and what not. Last summer I just went wild. Partied like I did when I was a sophomore in high school. I didn't really have commitment to anything, which was nice, but also very irresponsible. So this summer, I'm going to get my ass in gear and do something other than eat, sleep, party. I know you're probably thinking, "How great can your summer be if you're going to be working the whole time?" Well, I'll tell you. I am a CNA and I work at the nursing home back in my hometown. It's a very small, tight-knit community, so of course the nursing home is relatively small too. I get super close with the residents there which makes me love my job, not to mention all of the extra money I'll finally have. I'm still gonna do some partying though. ;) Haha, okay, probably a lot, but not to the point that that's ALL I do. Hey, what can I say? Growing up goes slow.
6. Get a new car! This is my main motivation to working my entire summer away. I need one soooo bad. And I know that if I'm the one saving for it, then I'll get a car that I actually want. 
7. I'm going to mend some bridges that have been burned or damaged. I like to think that there's not a lot of these because I hate being that person who burns bridges, but I know that there's a few that I'll need to cross one of these days. When I was stuck in a two year daydream, I lost myself, as well as the closeness I had with family and some friends. Summer 2011 was about starting over and getting close with my family again. This summer is about getting close with my old friends again. 
8. Spend some quality time with my dad. We haven't done this since before my mom passed away. I know he's lonely while I'm away at school and last summer, I was hardly home. In fact, there hasn't been a time that I was home for more than two consecutive weeks since February of 2010. It breaks my heart and it's all actually catching up with me. I should have been with him the summer after my mom passed away. Actually I should have been with him the entire time after my mom passed away. I switched schools just a couple months after she passed away and haven't lived at home since. Wow, writing it down instead of thinking about it reeeally breaks my heart. So I thin I'm going to take him fishing. As much as I possibly can. For entire days. This is something that I need to do for sure. Above everything else. In fact, we'll just say that this is number one on my list since it'll be a lot of work to switch everything around and I wasn't actually listing these things by importance. This right here is the single most important thing on my list. Just so everyone knows.
9. Buy my dad something NICE! My dad has been such a huge help to me ever since I started college. I don't know how I would have made it this far without his support and financial help. I feel horrible that here I am, almost 21 years old, and I still rely on my dad for pretty much all of my financial needs. He's an old man. He's really my grandfather, but my grandparents raised me my whole life. So when I refer to my mom and dad, just remember that they're actually my grandparents. But to me, they'll always be just my parents. <3 Anyways, it's my turn to give back to him. This will be the summer that I start supporting myself and I do and buy nice things for HIM.
10. Hmmm, number ten. What should I put for 10 on the list? Since I always seem to get so carried away with writing and usually end up writing half of a novel, I think I'll stop this list with ten. The last thing that I am goaling (yes, I know that't not really a term) myself to is to finally open up about my mom's death. I've never really talked about the details of her death with anyone, except for the boy from my daydream. I've always held it inside and it really eats at me. So this summer, I am going to muster up all of my courage and finally talk about it. 

Things always there to remind us.I

I'm the kind of person who has to get rid of evidence. The way I am, it's hard for me to forget and get over things. I think something's wrong with me because I don't think it's normal, the amount of time it takes for me to get over someone or something. I think that I'm over my ex. Him as a person, I'm over it. I'm just not quite sure that I'm over what he did to me. I still think about it often. Throughout my day, there's something small that reminds me of a time I spent with him, which then leads to me thinking about all of the ways he hurt me. I think of what could have or should have happened or what I could have and should have said. It replays in my mind over and over until I force myself to believe that I've had enough of it. At first, I could never get it out of my mind. It took months for me to finally block most of it out. I went from thinking about it constantly, every single day, for months, to thinking about it once or twice, every day, up until now. I can usually go a whole day without thinking of him or what he did or what we had together, as long as I don't stumble upon something that brings it all back to me. There's still certain songs that I stay away from because I know that I won't be able to handle listening to them. I've gotten a pretty good hold over it all and some great self control. That's one thing I can love about the whole situation. I found a new sense of self and I've become a much stronger, independent person. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit and dwell over him or what he did every day. I'm not depressed and it's very easy for me to go on with my every day life without him. Now that I think about it, two years wasn't even as long as it had first seemed to be. Sure, I lived with him for 7 months of that two years, I spent every single weekend with him for those two years, but still looking back on it now, where I am in life today, it wasn't that long. There's definitely no reason to still be stuck on it all, it happened over a year ago. No,  I'm not still in love with him and I definitely have no intention of ever having any type of relationship with him ever again. We haven't talked since the day he broke up with me. So for over a year now, he's been non-existent in my life. You could say that every memory I have of him is just a figment of my imagination, something I made up, a recurring daydream. In fact, that's exactly what I believe it all to be. I'm not bitter anymore. I don't hate him. I'm not mad at what he did anymore. Sometimes a little hurt, but that's only when I'm having a rough day and my self-esteem is already at a low, but other than that, I've moved on from it. After all, how can you hold onto any type of feeling for someone you never even really knew? Anyways, today was just one of those days that could have brought me to my knees about 8 months ago, but today, it was actually easier than I thought it would be. There I was, cleaning out my email folders. They're all so full and I feel like most of it is stuff I don't need. I was so right. A LOT of it was shit I just didn't need. Out of the 6 pages of my sent folder, 3 of them were all things I had sent to him; pictures of my prom dress ideas, pictures of us, pictures of me, etc. In the drafts inbox, was one single email. It was to him and it was something I had wanted to send him after we broke up. In my inbox folder, on the very last page, page 30, were a few messages from him replying to the pictures of us I had sent him. In my "pictures" folder, I found pictures I had sent from my cell phone of us when we went to Estes Park, pictures from his motocross races, pictures of us in the summer, pictures of us from prom, pictures of us just messing around at the track. Pretty much digital copies of our entire relationship. Of course, the minute I saw all of this, I quickly deleted it. I didn't give myself enough time to read the emails I had sent my best friend about the break up or the draft I was meaning to send him. I didn't try to examine any of the pictures. I definitely steered away from looking at our faces and how happy we were back then. I had a slight moment of weakness and read the first sentence of the draft email meant for him, but I stopped myself dead in my own tracks in order to keep from tearing up. Yeah, I've learned a great sense of self-control. I didn't want to be reminded of how happy we were, I didn't want to be reminded of how I felt when him and I broke up. I didn't need evidence to show that he was, in fact, a real part of my life at one time. No, I didn't need something telling me that it wasn't just a dream, that it wasn't a figment of my imagination. I decided that today is going to be something I block out of my mind, something that never happened, just like everything else about that two year daydream that I snapped out of over a year ago. It's just crazy how it's so easy for us to get rid of everything that reminds us of someone, and besides all of the songs that randomly come on the radio that remind you of the night you said "I love you", or the places you pass while traveling that remind you of the first time you ever went somewhere with that person, you still somehow manage to uncover old photos or letters that just make everything so fresh. It's almost shocking when you find something you thought that there was no more left of. It took me 3 weeks to put everything into a box; letters, pictures, game tickets, movie stubs, everything. It took me about 9 months to finally throw that box away. After that, about every 3 months, I'd find a picture on file or a picture tucked away in a book. It only took me about a minute to throw that shit out. I thought I had gotten rid of everything, until today. I'm hoping that the deletion of over 40 files is the last of it. I'm praying that it's the last of it. Because like every other daydream, we have to wake up. Reality is where we're at. Sometimes you have to let go of certain daydreams in order to do what you have to do in order to keep pushing through your every day reality.

Three one sentence stories that still haunt my dreams.

1. Procrastination never bothered me until the night my mom passed away and I realized I hadn't told her everything she needed to hear from me because I figured it could wait until "tomorrow".

2. I didn't know that the only day in two years that I had ever walked away from him without kissing him goodbye would be the last opportunity I'd get to do so.

3. It took the loss of two people, whom I loved with every ounce of love and trust I had in me, to clearly see that I wasn't the person I wanted to be or the person I should have been.

This post was just something random and inspired by OneSentence

Sometimes I don't even believe the things I think of after I smoke a bowl. Today was just one of those days that I had to sit back and take load off. After being so stressed out about every little thing lately, I'm just feeling so run down and emotionally and physically drained. I feel drained of everything. The minute I have some time to myself, I just feel so exhausted and stressed and just down. So today, feeling like summer already, I turned on some throwback R&B and just left everything else behind. I shut off my phone, sat outside on my balcony, stared into the mountains, and lit up a bowl. Let me tell you something, even though the title of this blog is "Memoirs of a Party Slut," I am by no means a pot head (or a slut). I just chose that name because I party. A lot. And I love it and people get the idea that because I party a lot, I'm a slut. So really I chose that name because I think it's funny and I couldn't think of anything else. But anyways, I rarely ever smoke the green. I stick to alcohol. A beer when I'm feeling good, feeling great, ready to have a nice, laid back drunk; liquor when I'm ready to say "fuck you" to the world and get on with my life; but rarely do I EVER smoke some weed. I admit that back at the beginning years of high school, I used to smoke all the time. I loved it. I did it for reasons that most people won't ever understand and I did it for no reason at all. I definitely wasn't the person that I am now. I never gave a fuck. I did anything that would give me a thrill, not worrying about a damn thing. Now, I fear my consequences. I think a lot more before I do anything. Back then, smoking was something I did because it matched my "I don't give a fuck" attitude. Now, it's something I do when facing my problems head on just isn't working. It's something I use as an escape for a while. I'm not trying to be that person that's always like, "Oh my gawd, I just neeeeed to smoke a J so I can think straight and get my mind right. It's the ooonly thing I can do to make life better." No, I'm not that person at all. Yes, it gives me an escape, but a TEMPORARY escape. I don't resort to it unless I really need to chill the fuck out (sorry for F bombing you so much). So let me get to the real reason I'm writing this blog right now. . .

It's easy for my mind to wander. Even in a sober, more aware, state of mind. When I'm high, man, does this mind of mine wander. I find myself getting into deep thought about something I always think about normally, then I forget what I'm thinking, then I sit and think about how I aaaalways get this way when I smoke, then I think of something new, and the process just cycles. I was just sitting here, with the sun beating down on my face, listening to some old songs, remember how I felt when I used to listen to these songs. Most of them reminded me of an old boyfriend. Wow, shocker. What doesn't make me think of an old boyfriend? I don't try to be the person who dwells on past events, but damn, I still feel fucked up, even after a year. Some things just make the memory fresh. It's not something I can just fix about myself right now, but hey, I'll get it handled when it gets bad; which I don't think it ever will because the memory is already starting to fade more and more, and sometimes the memories are confused with someone else, which is really nice because then it's like I have the great memory, but the role is played with someone else. Here I am again, mind wandering. I'll get to the REAL point of this right now. . .

I daydream. Who doesn't? I was sitting here, on my balcony, in the sun, listening to music, DAYDREAMING. (I know you've heard the rest before, but I just had to start my story the right way.) For some reason, I started thinking about how I would answer the question, "Why do you like being single?" I think it's because I was thinking of me being single and how much I really love it? I'm not sure, but the thought was there. I started answering the question in my head and I think I make some pretty valid points in this. I don't know if they're things I'm trying to convince everyone else who thinks it's crazy exactly what level of single I am and how much I don't want it to change any time soon, or if I'm trying to convince myself that such things are true. Either way, I'm going to share with you.

Points:

• I know everyone says this, but I actually mean it, I love my freedom. 
• I'm the kind of person who has to leave. I was born for leaving. I have never stayed in one place for long, always moving. I think it's just something that's stuck with me and I don't see myself wanting anything different. Without having to be fully committed to one person and the place they're in, I don't have to worry about where I'm gonna be. I can go wherever I want, see whoever I want, and not feel obligated to go back for anyone. As selfish as that seems.
• I don't have to listen to the nonsense of rumors and drama. Yeah, I know it's all a matter of whether you choose to listen and believe it or not. Choosing not to listen is great. I'm that kind of person. But not listening doesn't change the fact that you heard it. Even if you don't believe that your boyfriend would be cheating on you, it still hurts any time you hear that he is. It's like a sting to your ears. It's not something you can keep from happening. Once those words are said, being a person who just doesn't listen to gossip, it still shocks you to the bone. 
• I realize the things I want in life. Not the things that someone else wants. I'm a giving person. If I'm dating someone and I love them, I am the first one willing to do whatever it takes to make their dreams come true. I was never single for more than 3 months since I was 15, until now. Well, except for all that time that being single and dating were things that didn't exist to me. And let's make this clear too, I've only had 2 boyfriends. Two boyfriends who took up about 5 years of my life. Now after having an entire year and 3 months to myself, I clearly see who I am and what I want. That's something I can't see myself losing. 

Anyways, I've lost my train of thought again. But those are the top 4 reasons why being single is just fucking awesome. I know I should probably wrap this up in a witty and meaningful way, but I'm hungry, I'm getting side tracked by the television, and I'm just not as insightful as I was about 20 minutes ago. Maybe I'll be in the mind set to give this another shot later.