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Something so selfish, yet so tragic.

Not too long ago, a friend, not exactly close, but still a friend, committed suicide. I can remember exactly where I was and how I felt when I scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed the morning after his death. My phone had been shut off because I was late on my bill payment (oops), so Facebook was my only means of communication with the outside world, considering I was 45 miles away from my apartment at my aunts, in a town just as small as the town I great up in. He was a friend from Nebraska whom I pretty much grew up with. I had the biggest crush on him my 7th grade year when he was a 6th grader. I can remember sitting on his lap and kissing him at my Halloween party that year. I also remember that he was the first boy I had ever sexually explored with. It's crazy to think how much significance someone really had in your life, when for so long, you hardly talked. During high school, we got along, but we weren't close. We partied together in the summers and we ate at the same lunch table. We hung out with all the same people, just never hung out alone together. The distance really came between us when I left for school in a different state after my senior year. We talked only on the occasions I was home, sometimes we did more than hang out, but never got serious. Finally, we just stopped completely, hardly ever talked, barely saw each other even when we were in the same town. Aside from the fact that our friendship had somewhat diminished, I was still filled with hurt and sadness when I read all of the Facebook statuses about his death. I get the chills just thinking about it and typing all of this up right now. He touched so many lives and had friends literally everywhere. I hadn't heard all of the details until later that day. He had gotten hit by a train in his truck. There were pictures on the online newspapers of his totaled truck. I couldn't look at them for more than 3 seconds without wanting to throw up. The disbelief was so sever that it built up like bricks inside of my stomach. His services were held at a time that was impossible for me to make. I felt horrible, but I knew he'd understand. It was only a few weeks later that I had found out what actually had happened. A friend told me that he had sent a text message to his mom and one of his closest friends saying, "This is it," before he drove his truck out in front of that train. No one had any idea that he had thoughts of killing himself. He had appeared to be one of the happiest people any of us knew. He was more popular than anyone I knew since middle school, he excelled in every sport he participated in, he was going to college parties when he first entered high school, he had friends in almost every town from western to eastern ends of the state. I was so shocked that it took me a minute to catch my breath. I definitely felt guilty for not extending my friendship to him like I had before. In a way, I also felt guilty for being so sad over it, when we weren't even close friends toward the end. Today, I started back at my old job at a nursing home in my hometown that I used to work at during high school. I saw one of the saddest things that just broke my heart and really got me thinking. His grandmother is one of the residents there and it's something that just really hit her hard. It's been 3 months since his passing, so it's still pretty fresh in everyone's mind. Today, she just cried and cried and cried, worrying about her daughter and her other grandchildren, and missing him so much. It broke my heart to see her in so much pain. To lose a child or a grandchild has got to be one of the hardest things any mother could go through, I can't even imagine. Seeing her in one of the saddest states I've ever seen anyone, I started thinking about what he could have possibly been thinking to take his life so abruptly that night and to leave people who love him, so very much, behind. His family adored him and still do. They were all very close and loving, so I just don't understand how he didn't think of them right before he did it. Maybe he did. Who knows? As sad as suicide is, it's downright selfish. You take yourself out of your own pain, only to cause greater pain in many other lives. This is by no means my way of bashing him or saying anything to dishonor him. The loss of him is tragic, and it rings through this town like sirens. I've watched my best friends, who were best friends with him, mourn over him and hurt deeply. It's heartbreaking, really. I also see so many people. struggling, and suffering to live. I know that they'll lose their life by nature, while they're fighting to survive. And then there's people who have the chance to live, healthily, for a long time, and they take that for granted and just end their life right then and there. I just don't understand it. It's something that's just really selfish, and tragic all in the same.

A totally different feeling than I thought it would be.

This is night 1 of not being in a fuck friendship with a guy I was borderline falling for. I must say, I thought that it would feel different. I think I've mentioned before that I am a person who has a hard time getting over things. I thought for sure that I would be waiting, hoping, wishing he would call or text and ask to hang out. Ya know, be all like, "I know you said this has to be over, but I really wanna see you." Well, a girl can dream can't she? I'll go into little detail about this boy, We went to middle and high school together. He was always one of the most popular guys in school. Hanging out with high schoolers when he was in middle school, and they, of course, were the popular high schoolers. It's not like he was one of those weird middle school kids into dragon and wizard video games who hung out with people three grades higher than him who hung out with only younger kids because they were just that socially challenged in high school that it was hard for them to associate with anyone on a more mature level than 8th grade. No, he was way mature for his age. I'm not saying his behavior was a good thing, but it definitely made him someone who all the girls wanted. In high school, he had a girlfriend who, wouldn't you know, was one of the most popular girls in middle and high school. She was in the same grade as him and everything, and had all the same popular, older friends he had. Just like him, she was (is) very attractive and had people tripping over themselves to talk to her. The only difference was that all through high school she was a virgin and did not partake in any illegal activity such as drugs or underage drinking. And it worked for them. Of course, when they weren't together, he was a huge man whore. Anyways, the boy I've been seeing is, for all the obvious reasons, someone I can't resist. In high school, I hung out with all the same people he hung out with, so I mean, I wasn't a huge loser or anything in school, but I just wasn't noticed by him. Once I moved away for college and got over pretty much everyone and everything in my small hometown, he started to notice. He's got that bad boy attitude about him and it's hard for me to say no to anything when it comes to him. He's sexy, popular, loves to party just as much as I do, can sweet talk anyone, and overall, great in bed. I had a lot of fun with him, but when I started to notice these feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time creep up on me, I had to end it, which I obviously did last night. You see,  we'd hook up once every few months when we'd both be back in our hometown. It'd be a one night thing, one or both of us would be completely drunk, and then we'd go on about our regular lives as if it never happened. And that was totally fine. That's how I liked it and, in fact, how I wanted it. I was okay with having sex with him and then not talking to him for months until it came time for our routine hook-up. But then I moved home for the summer, and things changed. We saw each other for the first 3 nights I was home, and talked all the time in between. He ended up going out of state for a week and the entire time he was gone, I couldn't stop thinking about him. That was the first sign I knew I was gonna be getting in deep. After I ended things last night, I stayed up for a while thinking that it was gonna be hard for me to not talk to him or go see him and that I'd give in right away. I figured I'd text him today or tonight and tell him that I wanted to have one last go around before it was officially over, but I didn't. I didn't have the urge to. I thought I'd sit around waiting for his text or that I'd get that nervous feeling in my stomach ever time I'd get a text message, wishing it was him, but nope, that feeling wasn't there either. I actually feel great and less anxious. I know the kind of guy he is, and I know that he won't text me asking to still hang out all the time. I guess I wasn't in as deep as I thought I was because this is so much easier than I thought it'd be. Does this mean I'm actually growing up and learning the rules of being in my twenty-somethings? ;)

And then I ended it...

Yep, the friends with "benefits" relationship I was briefly in is now over. I put the word -- benefits -- in quotations because honestly, I'm not sure if benefits is the right word. I mean, what benefits do we gain from something like this besides the obvious answer; exhilarating sex? For me, the benefits I USED TO get were the following: heart racing pleasure, great nights sleep, exercise, and then finally, just plain fun. These benefits were plentiful for a few months, but now it's time to move on. You see, I was all for the whole "get yours, have fun, no attachment" thing because I was in a long relationship that completely fucked me up in the head and I decided for the sake of my heart that I didn't want to get into anything serious with anyone for at least a couple years. Well, I got over that.. I'm almost 21 years old. I look at how fast high school and the first couple years of college went, and I realize that time isn't going to slow down for me since I'm getting older. Before I know it, I'll be 26 years old. And nowhere near being in any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I don't want to be that girl. I'm starting to see that maybe steering away from the commitment zone and keeping myself entrapped in the strictly sex zone, might not be the best decision making I've done in a while. I think I'm ready to put away my big girl slut pants and get back into the ring of steady dating and relationships. Actual relationships. The kind that you work for and reap the benefits long after it's all begun. Not just for a few months. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about ending things with my ex-fuck friend. I mean, I had so much fun with him. And I don't know where else I'm gonna get it living in this small ass hometown of mine for the summer. Where do I meet new people? I don't know how to do any of this. In high school it was all so easy because you didn't have to actually go out and look for guys. You had your pick right in front of you and from surrounding schools. Now, you have to go to different parties and actually put in the effort to even get a conversation going, not to mention getting the conversation to last. I think I'm actually going to miss this boy. We'll still be friends, at least. We were friends in high school and were pretty good friends when all of this started. It's just hard when one person starts to get strong feelings, which in this case, like most, is me. It was all so easy a few months ago for me to fuck 'em and leave 'em, but now I'm starting to miss all the things I did when I was in a relationship that I can't do when I'm single. I miss the cutesy texts and the cuddling all night. Can't do that with someone whose main goal is to get off and send you packin'. I can't blame him though. We both got into this fully aware that it was strictly platonic and nothing serious would come from it. Sometimes it's just so hard to convince my heart of that. So, here we go again. I feel a little sad about it all because when I ended it tonight, it was just that easy for him to be alright with it and agree. Guess the feelings weren't reciprocated. Which I understand and I'll get over within a weeks time. Hopefully. :)

Friends with benefits...?

I think that's what this is. I'm not quite sure yet. I guess that's what you'd call this situation because, I mean, this guy IS one of my friends and we do fuck. But I'm just wondering what the boundaries and terms of these kinds of things are. I admit, I've had one of these before and it went completely haywire, but I think that's only because of the age I was and because I was a virgin when it all began. Needless to say, I got way too attached and things just went to shit. Now I can't even be in the same room as this guy. But this time's different, I think...I hope. I was in a relationship for 2 years after my first, 3 year long, fuck friendship ended. And now that I've been through that whole, "I love you, I'll always love you, oh, now I hate you" shpeel, I'm completely over it and friends with benefits is honestly the only thing I want or can handle right now. I'm just afraid that maybe I'll start getting in too deep again. I've done pretty good with it for the past year, but lately, it's starting to feel different. I just don't know what to do. I went from being able to have sex with the dude one night, not text him or talk to/see him for months afterward, to having sex with him one night, seeing him again the next, and again, talk to him everyday for random things (buying beer, helping me untangle a fishing reel, etc.). And I think I'm starting to feel something. I haven't truly "felt" for anyone or anything in almost a year and a half. I talk to guys, think they're cool shit for a while, and then get completely annoyed and exhausted with the idea of talking to them any further. Sometimes it's a different situation, but has the same outcome. I talk to the dude for a while, enjoy it for a while, fuck him, leave him, and get annoyed with the idea that I even wasted my time. I'd reeeally love some input on this because I'm afraid that I'm returning to that same freshman girl who got attached too easily and quickly and then ended up completely fucked up over it. And this time, I know it'll turn out just the same as it did with the first guy, considering this is one of his best friends and they're pretty much exactly alike.

Any advice?

Memories.

The kind of memories you make that you hang on to for years and when the perfect moment hits you, you relive them in every feeling and emotion you made them in. Those are the kind of memories I have back in my hometown. Just the feeling of the air takes me back 4 summers ago. I feel every emotion I ever felt and it's like Deja Vu, but I can't remember exactly what made me feel the way I do, I just remember the feeling, and that's okay with me. It's the light/dark color of the sky and the way the air is cool and warm at the same time that reminds me of walks with my best friend, eating popsicles, wearing converse, and venting about the guys we were seeing. Driving down Main Street, staring at the clock above the bank takes me back to all of the nights I drove around with my friends, drinking, and singing along to our favorite songs. The baseball diamond reminds me of all the nights my best friend and went to "swing out" all of our "problems"that, now, seem so trivial. Passing by the coffee shop, any time of day or night, reminds me of all the mornings my mom would go get me a breakfast burrito and my favorite apple juice while I rushed to get ready for school. Every little thing reminds me of something, the best times of my life, to be exact. My friend's driveway reminds me of all the times we sat on his tailgate or sat in his backyard just drinking and hanging out, laughing about everything. My old high school reminds me of all the football and basketball games I stayed out late for. I never realized how much I have in this town. I never realized that besides my dad and my friends, I have years of memories that I'll never forget. They stay with me, wherever I go. It's crazy growing up in a small town, when you're originally from somewhere big. The entire time you're there, you yearn for something bigger and "better". You itch to get out and move on to newer things. But the truth of the matter is, once you're gone, you're made to face that there's really no place like home. It also makes you realize how much harder saying Goodbye is each time you go back and have to leave that place you call home..

Are there guidelines to these kind of things?!

So there's this guy. Haha, isn't there always? But anyway, I met him my first week of college, freshman year. He was in my Intro to Visual Arts class (a total bullshit, waste of time and money class, if you ask me). I met him the first time I went to that class. I asked him for directions and he asked me if I wanted to smoke. Ummm....of course I wanted to. I didn't go smoke down with him by myself though, I had a friend from high school with me who had that class too. No, that would have been a horrible idea to go alone, considering I had a boyfriend. I never wanted to do anything to make myself seem like a bad  girlfriend. We smoked, we talked, he took us back to our dorms, and then after that we sat next to each other in class each time I went, which was very rarely and mainly on exam days. You see, I had this class on Tuesday and Thursday nights. From 7 to 9. Every college student knows what goes down on Thursdays. I didn't have time to go to that insignificant class on a Thursday night when I had so much other shit to do like, go to dinner with the girls, go to the gym for an hour, then go back to my dorm and shower and get ready for the night's festivities. But getting to my point. I've known this guy for a while now, since I'm already halfway through my fourth semester of college. We used to party a lot too, but now we barely see each other and talk. Well, tonight, after I got back from the gym and after I had totally humiliated myself in front of a group of guys at the hot tub, I decided to see if this guy wanted to come smoke, since after all, he's a dealer. He has always given me and my friends pretty good deals on pot. Not to mention, he has some pretty dank shit. One hit gets me high, which in turn saves me some money since I'm not a frequent smoker. I can make an eighter last a month and a half, at the very least. So the guy comes over, smokes me down, didn't make me pay a dime for the bowls we smoked. I hadn't planned on this, by the way. I was actually going to go bowl for bowl with him, but he insisted I kept my shit. What a nice guy, right? The whole time he's at my apartment, all I could think about was how I haven't been laid in what seems like fucking years and how attractive and appealing he was looking. Needless to say, absolutely nothing sexual happened between us tonight, but I can't say the thought wasn't on my mind the entire time. The thing that made me want him even more is that he was nice enough to leave a few small buds with me. A parting gift? I don't know and I don't really fucking care because weed is weed. After he left, I was kicking myself for not making a move, but then this thought cross my mind, "If I had sex with him, would I be considered a prostitute? Would it be like me exchanging sex for weed?" I asked a couple people what they thought and they said that it's definitely not prostitution. But what if we had ended up boning? Would leaving the weed seem like my payment, say if he left it after the act was done and over with? Would it seem like he was paying me up front if he had given me the weed before we had sex? What are the guidelines about these kinda things? Do booze and drugs constitute as the same thing as a guy taking you out to dinner before he rails the shit out of you or buying you breakfast after a crazy night? Is it just that my mind is being stupid and way too over-analytic because I haven't gotten laid or really given any kind of guy contact much thought for a while now? Am I just getting really fucking dumb about guys now?