TItle change at 6 in the A.M.

You ain't ever gonna change, you got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for leaving.

 Well, I'm not too sure who my audience is; if I even have an audience that is, but I just wanted to introduce who I am, so this 6 in the morning blog post is going to cover both of these things as best as possible. Or as best as my wore out mind will let it.


Why am I writing a blog post at 6 A.M.? Well, that's easy. It's because I've been wiiiiide awake since 3 in the fucking morning. I wasn't able to get back to sleep, so after a couple hours of watching TV and reading other blogs, I decided to get my lazy ass up off the couch and go work out for an hour. Damn, it felt good. Now, I'm just going to write until my arms and hands give out and I finally doze off into a deep slumber. If that can even happen. 


Who I am. My name is Shelby. I am a 20 year old girl....woman? I don't know. It feels weird calling myself either of those. I am a full-time student and I am also a CNA. I've never really lived in one place for a long amount of time. Actually, I've lived at 10 different residences in all of my 20 (almost 21) years of life. Wow, I never really tallied that shit up. I don't think I'd get used to living in one spot for too long. Which is a main reason I'm dead set on staying single for a while. At least until I get myself established and settled (hopefully). I'm already planning another move to a bigger and possibly better city. I come from a very small town; 900 people population to be exact. I decided to go to school out of state and in an entirely new, definitely MUCH bigger city; somewhere I'd never been before. The day I moved into the dorms was the first time I had ever been to the city where my school is located. Yes, it was quite the change and I loved it. My relationship didn't love it too much though. I take some of the blame for why my daydream ended so abruptly and oh so deceitfully. Once I moved to the big city, I realized I loved it and school more than anything. I guess I just realized how much I could actually grow outside of the small town life. So here I am now, more grown up and needing another new city to make myself feel like an even better person. I'm the kind of person who loves new and exciting challenges. I'm constantly challenging myself and trying to do better. I feel my mom would have wanted it this way. Anyways, I was raised by my grandparents since I was just a baby. Back then, I wasn't really given the opportunity to fully understand it all because I rarely had contact with my birth mother and my younger half sisters. Looking back on it now though, I wouldn't have it any other way. My parents (grandparents) are the entire making of me. Because of them, I am who I am today. After my mom (grandmother) passed away a couple years ago, I definitely started re-evaluating who I am and how my life is going to be. I never took things seriously until I was faced with the most serious demon in my life; the cancer taking over my mother, the one person in the world I'll never get over living without's, body. Now that I've accepted and fought this demon to the best of my power, I feel like I can do anything, so I'm constantly setting myself up to do something better than I've ever done. My dad (grandfather) is a very old fashioned and simple man. He's by no means religious or spiritual, but he's definitely stuck in his strict ways. He doesn't believe in partying, teenagers having sex, drugs, etc. But ever since my mother passed away, me being 18 at the time, he's been more lenient with me. I think it has something to do with the fact that he thinks if he restricts me from all the things I've been doing behind his back since 15 years old that I'll leave him. I know he can't take another heartbreak or loss, so even if he was extremely strict with me, I'd still be right by his side. We didn't get along when I was younger. I guess it was my "growing" years that really got to him. I stayed out til 5 or 6 in the morning, conned my mom into letting me stay home from school all the time, snuck out when I wasn't allowed out, drank, explored my sexuality with a certain senior boy who took up 2 and a half years of my high school career, and in the summer, I slept  all day long and stayed out all night long. It was a cycle for me that I loved and didn't intend on changing at any time. I got in trouble a lot the summer before my Junior year of high school,. A DUI and 2 Minor in possession with theft charges piled on within 4 weeks isn't really a good look for anyone, especially not a 17 year old. I guess I slowed down a lot, but definitely didn't clean up much except for the fact that I quit smoking pot as much. The sex was still there, but that was cut down too because of the dick face senior boy who used and abused me any time he felt. Yeah, I was one of those stupid girls. So moving on, after I snapped out of my dazed and confused state of absolute stupidity and self humiliation, I was able to meet someone who wanted more from me than just "shitfaced at 4 in the morning" sex. I guess you could say I fell "in love" right from the start. If "love" is even something genuine. I'm honestly not so sure. He's the boy I refer to when I talk about my oblivious and seemingly incoherent phase of life that I call my "daydream". I'll probably write a post about him sometime soon. He's been on my mind a lot lately, even after a year has passed since our brakup/last spoken words. I'll probably write a post about the baby carrot wiener senior with whom I fucked around with for way too fucking long. It's weird he was on my mind yesterday. Real bad too. Of course, this was all brought on by a "too packed for one person" bowl. Shit, I'm losing my train of thought. I'm finally getting tired and shacking up in my "pitch black even at 2 in the afternoon" room is starting to sound damn great right now. I'll continue this later on in the day. So bye for now.