Something so selfish, yet so tragic.

Not too long ago, a friend, not exactly close, but still a friend, committed suicide. I can remember exactly where I was and how I felt when I scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed the morning after his death. My phone had been shut off because I was late on my bill payment (oops), so Facebook was my only means of communication with the outside world, considering I was 45 miles away from my apartment at my aunts, in a town just as small as the town I great up in. He was a friend from Nebraska whom I pretty much grew up with. I had the biggest crush on him my 7th grade year when he was a 6th grader. I can remember sitting on his lap and kissing him at my Halloween party that year. I also remember that he was the first boy I had ever sexually explored with. It's crazy to think how much significance someone really had in your life, when for so long, you hardly talked. During high school, we got along, but we weren't close. We partied together in the summers and we ate at the same lunch table. We hung out with all the same people, just never hung out alone together. The distance really came between us when I left for school in a different state after my senior year. We talked only on the occasions I was home, sometimes we did more than hang out, but never got serious. Finally, we just stopped completely, hardly ever talked, barely saw each other even when we were in the same town. Aside from the fact that our friendship had somewhat diminished, I was still filled with hurt and sadness when I read all of the Facebook statuses about his death. I get the chills just thinking about it and typing all of this up right now. He touched so many lives and had friends literally everywhere. I hadn't heard all of the details until later that day. He had gotten hit by a train in his truck. There were pictures on the online newspapers of his totaled truck. I couldn't look at them for more than 3 seconds without wanting to throw up. The disbelief was so sever that it built up like bricks inside of my stomach. His services were held at a time that was impossible for me to make. I felt horrible, but I knew he'd understand. It was only a few weeks later that I had found out what actually had happened. A friend told me that he had sent a text message to his mom and one of his closest friends saying, "This is it," before he drove his truck out in front of that train. No one had any idea that he had thoughts of killing himself. He had appeared to be one of the happiest people any of us knew. He was more popular than anyone I knew since middle school, he excelled in every sport he participated in, he was going to college parties when he first entered high school, he had friends in almost every town from western to eastern ends of the state. I was so shocked that it took me a minute to catch my breath. I definitely felt guilty for not extending my friendship to him like I had before. In a way, I also felt guilty for being so sad over it, when we weren't even close friends toward the end. Today, I started back at my old job at a nursing home in my hometown that I used to work at during high school. I saw one of the saddest things that just broke my heart and really got me thinking. His grandmother is one of the residents there and it's something that just really hit her hard. It's been 3 months since his passing, so it's still pretty fresh in everyone's mind. Today, she just cried and cried and cried, worrying about her daughter and her other grandchildren, and missing him so much. It broke my heart to see her in so much pain. To lose a child or a grandchild has got to be one of the hardest things any mother could go through, I can't even imagine. Seeing her in one of the saddest states I've ever seen anyone, I started thinking about what he could have possibly been thinking to take his life so abruptly that night and to leave people who love him, so very much, behind. His family adored him and still do. They were all very close and loving, so I just don't understand how he didn't think of them right before he did it. Maybe he did. Who knows? As sad as suicide is, it's downright selfish. You take yourself out of your own pain, only to cause greater pain in many other lives. This is by no means my way of bashing him or saying anything to dishonor him. The loss of him is tragic, and it rings through this town like sirens. I've watched my best friends, who were best friends with him, mourn over him and hurt deeply. It's heartbreaking, really. I also see so many people. struggling, and suffering to live. I know that they'll lose their life by nature, while they're fighting to survive. And then there's people who have the chance to live, healthily, for a long time, and they take that for granted and just end their life right then and there. I just don't understand it. It's something that's just really selfish, and tragic all in the same.